#99 You Can Be A Coffee Achiever

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Americans have a lot to worry about right now.

There’s the mortgage industry which must have switched to an all alcohol diet and decided that it made perfect sense to loan people more money than they would actually earn in their lifetimes. Foreclosure is now the only growth industry in the financial sector and the fastest selling homes feature the words ‘Kenmore’, ‘Whirlpool’, and ‘Refrigerator’ prominently on their cardboard sides.

There’s the price of gas which is rising so quickly the entire Theoretical Mathematics Department at Harvard has been hired for the sole task of keeping track of oil company profits. One more increase in the cost of sweet crude and it will be cheaper to power our cars with Chanel Number Five.

Combined, these problems are giving rise to a recession which will stop the U.S. economy the way a concrete barrier stops a speeding car.

There is one bright spot, though. America leads the world in caffeine delivery technology as measured by the total amount of square footage devoted to Starbucks stores. If all of the stores were put right next to each other â I mean even more than they are now â they would cover an area approximately the size of Dallas, only with a faint coffee odor and a Norah Jones soundtrack….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• For a very funny take on coffee drinking, I’d suggest you go and listen to Comedy4Cast episode #132. Actually, Clinton is a pretty funny guy. If you haven’t been listening to Comedy4Cast you should go back and listen to all of them! But start with episode #132.
  www.comedy4cast.com
• Interested in supporting the ‘Fair Trade Coffee’ movement? Check here:
  www.fairtradecoffee.org
• Much of the history that I demolished in this essay came from the Wikipedia. You can find the root article on coffee here:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee

Tags: humor essay | funny story | coffee | caffeine | starbucks | comedy