At least it was cheap.

According to the label, my ninety-nine dollar investment bought me the Hearthwood Heirloom Chest of Drawers. The full-color photograph showed an elegant piece of furniture with a dark wood-grained finish. You could almost smell the warm, rich scent of old oak.

The inside of the box was a different story. The wood evidently came from the finest pressed-board forests of Europe. The pebbly-brown material had a few chunks of actual wood embedded in it, as if to assert that some portion of the dresser was in some small way related to the illustration on the box. In truth it resembled a thicker form of the paper kindergarteners write on. All it lacked were the dashed blue lines. (Full Text)

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Frankly, given the usual cost of a trip to my mechanic, I hoped it was a bear.  At least then I could turn the whole problem over to Animal Control.

An examination of the engine compartment revealed the usual cryptic tangle of wires, hoses, belts, gears, and greasy metal parts.  No bears, badgers, beavers or any other unexpected wild fauna.

“Yeah, we don’t see bears real often,” my mechanic said.  “We’ll take a look at it.  Have a seat in our Waiting Area.” (Full Text)

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Attacks of IDS are triggered by things in the environment which frustrate or annoy dads. For example, someone — let’s pick a hypothetical person at random, say an adolescent male — might put a milk jug back in the refrigerator with a scant sixteenth-of-an-inch of liquid remaining. Technically speaking, this isn’t really a quantity of milk as much as it is a film of milk! If it spilled there’d be no need to cry over it because the whole mess could be easily cleaned up with a medium-sized cotton ball. Now why would anyone do something like that? Why not drink the rest of the milk? Why entomb it like a Holy Relic? WHY! TELL ME WHY! (Full Text)

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Thanks to Pascal for linking through to this site!  (http://velorizontal.bbfr.net/le-bar-f6/fun-in-english-t11727.htm)

I think that I may be getting old.  As evidence, I offer the fact that this past Father’s Day I received socks and a ties and I was happy about that.  A younger man might have wanted something more exciting like a 40” high-def plasma screen TV, or a laptop computer with built-in wireless networking, or a video iPod with the accessory kit.  No me.  No sir.  Who needs all that high tech gear when you can look stylish at work and feel comfortable in your shoes?

Like most parents I’ve often found myself on the receiving end of random acts of gift giving from my children.  It starts with the toddlers’ instinct for generosity.  Their bighearted nature is matched only by their complete lack of understanding of monetary systems and relative value. (Full Text)

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I seem to be having trouble with my short-term memory. From one moment to the next I can’t recall what I was saying, what I’m doing, why I’m here and – in extreme instances – who I am. Also, I seem to having trouble with my short-term memory.

Time was I could stuff random facts into my brain and fetch them back as easily as picking stones off the ground. Now when I want to retrieve some tidbit of information – my social security number, one of my many telephone numbers, my children’s names – I have to work with a pick and a shovel to dig it out of my skull. I’ve gone from a steel-trap mind to the Amazing Teflon Brain. Nothing sticks anymore.

If you want evidence, look no farther than the cupboards, pantry and storage shed at my house. I have thousands of dollars worth of things that I’m almost out of. (Full Text)

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Blackberries don’t float.  At least mine doesn’t.  I dropped it in a bathroom sink this week and it plunged straight to the bottom.

To be fair, though, my Blackberry isn’t a fruit.  For the uninitiated (definition: anyone who actually has a life) let me introduce the Blackberry.

It resembles the offspring of a shotgun wedding between a handheld video game and DVD remote control.  It combines the functions of e-mail, web browsing and a cell phone in a package which is too big to be a convenient phone and too small to be useful for anything else.  The annoyingly small screen is nicely matched by the frustratingly small keyboard. (Full Text)

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The greetings card industry has a lot to answer for when it comes to providing sentiments for all occasions.

Imagine that a perfectly healthy co-worker takes a couple of weeks of sick leave and returns…changed.  Maybe they had something enhanced, or reduced, or removed, or added.  Maybe they left with a beak that would do Big Bird proud and came back with a button nose that wouldn’t look out of place on a cartoon rabbit.  Should you say something?  Isn’t the point of plastic surgery to have some feature noticeably improved?  But how can you tactfully say, “Whoa!  You must have left about five pounds of nose on operating table.  Good job!”

Worse yet, how are you supposed to react if your co-worker comes back with an entirely different gender? (Full Text)

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Quick shout-out to Chas Hathaway for a clever comment on episode 007!  You can read more of Chas’ insights at http://chas.willowrise.com

When I said, “I do” I had no idea what I was doing.

All I knew for certain was that a very attractive young woman had agreed to “forsake all others” in favor of me.

To my mind this was a miracle on a par with the parting of Red Sea or the discovery of a laundry detergent that really did get clothes whiter.  When the priest asked me if I did, I couldn’t say “I do” fast enough.

As it turns out, that two-word phrase covered an awful lot of territory.  I’m not saying I’d have said “I don’t”, but maybe I’d have been just a touch slower to answer. (Full Text)

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The highway department has taken to using large electronic signs to warn drivers about hazardous or difficult road conditions.  For example, you might see a sign flashing the message: “Road Construction Ahead – Delays Possible”.  This means, of course, that you will be delayed.  And, if you haven’t packed any food, you might want to draw straws to see which of the people in the car is going to be a tasty lunch for the survivors.

A sign reading “Detour Ahead” means check your fuel level because you’re about to go seventy-eight miles out of your way on roads which last saw use during the Taft administration.

“Heavy Traffic Expected — Consider Alternate Route” means that everyone in North America has chosen the same road as you.  Be nice to the cars around you.  You’ll be traveling beside them for the next few decades. (Full Text)

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I was recently treated to a few minutes of humiliation by my credit card company.  “No charge,” they said.  “It’s just a courtesy service we provide.”

Courtesy? That was like an angry cowboy mob telling a rustler “No charge for the noose.  It’s just a courtesy service we provide.”

They rejected my card.

I’d have preferred something less embarrassing like a kick in the groin.  Or pictures from my high school prom.  Or a public review of my medical records.

I know what you’re thinking.  If you just paid your bill on time, you wouldn’t have this problem.

They didn’t reject my card for non-payment.  They rejected it because I was traveling.  My great sin was going on a trip without telling them first. (Full Story)

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Last week my son received a recruiting letter from Harvard.  This took me by surprise.  I had no idea that Ivy League schools were enrolling alien lifeforms now.

He seemed normal enough when we brought him home from the hospital seventeen years ago; cuddly and pink and only occasionally smelly.  Sometime between then and now he’s been possessed by aliens.  Or maybe they took away my real child and replaced him with one of their own.

Kind of makes you wonder what kids must be like on their planet.  I mean, who’d travel thousands of light years just to get rid of a teenager?  (Answer: Anyone who has ever had a teenager.)

(Full Story)

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I’ll never forget my first love; her pale beige skin nearly glowed and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her full-sized keyboard.  More than anything, I wanted her to be mine.

The relationship lasted about a year before I was bored and ready to move on.  Like most guys, I’m fickle and faithless when it comes to technology.

It starts – at least it started for me – in high school.  I used to hang out with my geek friends reading magazines.  You know the kind…”industry publications”; their pages filled with provocative full-color photos of circuit boards and interfaces.  We told everybody we bought them for the articles, but in truth we were after the hardware pictures. (Full Text)

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It’s summer and for a lot of you that means exploring the great outdoors on foot.  You’ve probably already planned the routes you want to hike and the wondrous destinations you want to see.  Right this moment you’re probably heading out the door with your gear.

Let me give you a word of advice.

Don’t.

It’s crazy.

Hiking is what our ancestors did in the days before motorized transportation.  When the pioneers trekking westward got up in the morning do you think they said, “Gee, what a beautiful day to spend walking several miles through desolate wilderness.  And tomorrow we can do it all again?” (Full Text)

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Special thanks go out to Tim King for his review of Happily Domesticated.  You can find the review (and information about Tim’s books) at http://ebook.jtimothyking.com/2010/04/26/happily-domesticated-kevin-cummings

I see fat people.  They’re everywhere.  They don’t even know they’re fat.  And the worst part is…I used to be one of them.

A year ago I was surprised to discover I was fat. Middle-age spread had widened me so much I had a coastline instead of a waistline.  I knew I was in trouble when I saw a picture of myself and thought, “Whoa!  What was Marlon Brando doing in my living room?”

Thus motivated (and following the example of my loving wife who started her diet about two months earlier than mine) I found an on-line diet site and seriously contemplated losing weight.  For two solid months I contemplated it.  That didn’t seem to be doing any good.  So I stopped contemplating and started dieting.

Which, when you think about it, is a weird concept.  You don’t start a diet.  You STOP eating.  I think they call it “starting a diet” because calling nobody would do it if they called it what it really is….starving yourself. (Full text.)

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Ah the glorious colors of spring; the green grass, the red and yellow flowers, the blue streak as I swear at my dysfunctional lawn mower.

After hibernating in an aluminum shed all winter, my mower is reluctant to awake and resume its normal duties of mutilating my lawn and mangling my sprinkling system.  Every spring I enter into protracted negotiations with this “labor saving” device.

To begin, I check the gas and oil and press the engine primer exactly three times.  These actions don’t do any real good, but like the tea ceremonies of feudal Japan, it’s important to follow all of the parts of the ritual.  Assured that the engine has what it needs, I grasp the pull starter and the negotiations begin. (Full Text)

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The sad truth is that it takes hard work to gain and maintain a solid relationship with money. Unless, of course, you happen to have relatives who are both wealthy and generous. Unfortunately none of my relatives had the good sense to be born rich so I can’t count on them to enlarge my fortunes. (Full Text)

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My thanks to EVERYONE who has been so generous with their support over these past four years.

Really.

Or a cruise. Or maybe a skiing vacation. The destination doesn’t matter so much, so long as you’re out traveling and spending money. And, so long as the destination doesn’t matter, might I humbly suggest you travel to my part of the world and spend your money here. Sure northern Utah might be a long trip from where you live and might not be your preferred destination, but helping the economy was your idea, not mine. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Tim King, Norm Beer, and Kale 4000 for their kind and supportive words this week!

Oh. Wait.

Those are dog food commercials. Still, the media image of parenthood isn’t that much different. TV ads show smiling moms and dads feeding healthy, nutritious meals to their children in tidy kitchens filled with designer décor. Everyone is clean and happy and about as believable as the automobile ads where a gleaming car drives through a rainstorm and comes out as shiny as when it went in. In real life the kitchen linoleum would have a permanent stain that resulted from an impromptu dinner-time experiment involving a combination of grape juice and spaghetti sauce and the car’s paint would never, ever be as bright as it was the day it left the factory. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Genna Cockerham had some nice things to say about this podcast.  You can read them (along with recommendations for other podcasts) at: http://ideasbygenna.blogspot.com/2010/03/podcasts-im-listening-to-now.html
• I also found an in-bound link to this show from a German blog at http://michael444.wordpress.com/2010/03/14/titel-gesucht/
• Finally, thanks to Twitter friends @Mainframe and @LittleRed2 for some encouraging and thoughtful comments this week.

If it was a horse we’d be talking about sending it to the glue factory. If it was a car, we’d be looking to trade it in. If it was a character in a soap opera, it’d be that guy who is laying unconscious in a hospital bed while the other characters shake their heads and whisper about how sad it is.

For the economy to improve, it’s going to have to catch its second wind; get a new engine; or wake up from its coma and realize that it has to win back Jessica who ran off with Dr. Harmon. In short, the economy needs a rapid infusion of cash … stat! The only way this is going to happen is if people get out and start buying stuff again. I’m looking at you Mr. and Mrs. American Consumer. (Full Text)

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Well…not really.

At the time it sure felt like it even though we knew other people had given birth before. We’d seen the training films in the mandatory child birth class. It was an eye-opening experience that left my wife trying to convince me to carry the baby to term. Her argument was that she’d carried the baby for five months, all she was asking me to do was carry it for four. Couldn’t I see how fair that was? (Full Text)

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Indy gave way to Sonic and Mario and Luigi and Princess Peach and the games have gotten more sophisticated and visually attractive. Somehow, though, I don’t connect with them anymore.

Probably because I find most of the subject matter appalling. In 2009 the top selling games included titles like Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2, Halo 3 ODST, and Borderlands. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 2 The Next Chapter made the news for having the longest title of any game this year and for the fact that thousands of gamers lined up to buy copies and then took the next week off to play. As a result, IT departments and college classes had a significant decrease in attendance while Cheeto and Mountain Dew sales increased dramatically (Full Text)

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Notes:

• I really enjoyed the feedback on episode 193 (USA Number 2) from Shane, Norm and Robert.
• A word of thanks to Tim King for sending me a copy of his book “Love: Through the Eyes of an Idiot“.
• There’s a cool, new writing blog at http://throwingupwords.wordpress.com

We had taken him to the vet because he had what appeared to be a big blood blister on his ear. After a half-minute examination — which, based on the fee for the appointment worked out to two dollars per second — the vet announced that the cat had a hematoma on his pinna.

“What is that in layman’s terms?” I asked.

“Sort of like a big blood blister on his ear. It won’t go away on its own. We’ll need to operate.” (Full Text)

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Notes:

• There was a lovely (and encouraging) review on this podcast over at http://blog.said.fm/cant-cook-wont-cook
• Thanks to Shane (http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/) for his enthusiastic support of my book and the links to BN.Com where you can purchase it.
• And a shout-out to my Twitter and Facebook friends Mainframe, GACockerham, Ian and Maury for their supportive words lately.

Our youngest, fresh from the first semester of his freshman year had abandoned the wild life in the engineering dorm and descended on us like a long-term house guest. Having to negotiate a new adult-child to adult-parent relationship was just a bonus. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• You can learn more about Munchkin at http://www.worldofmunchkin.com/ and Andrew Hackard (Munchkin Czar) at http://twitter.com/redpenofdoom
• Thanks to Robert at ItsJustUsCast for a kind (and encouraging) review on iTunes.  You can find Robert’s podcast at http://www.itsjustuscast.com/
• You can find my video game reviews (and lots of other game reviews) at http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com/

The slimy critter in question was videotaped gathering up coconut halves from the ocean floor near Australia, cleaning them out, and then using them as a rudimentary form of shelter. I’m no scientist, but watching the video raised several very important questions in my mind. Why were there coconut halves on the ocean floor? Where did the octopus live before he built himself an environmentally-friendly new home? And what kind of interest rate did the octopus get for its new coconut shell house? (Full version)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Elise for her kind comments on episode #165.  You can find her on the web at: http://betanisbureau.com/
• Likewise, thanks to Tim King for pointing folks my way on Twitter.  You can find him on the web at: http://www.JTimothyKing.com
• Finally, it’s really nice to have Ron back “on the air” at http://www.griddlecakes.com

Each workday I start with a nice clean sheet of note paper which I sully with an ugly list of tasks I have to accomplish. This would be tolerable if I could just finish each item and cross it off. Except it doesn’t work that way; every task I accomplish gives rise to two more. And those give rise to two more. And so on until the list is long enough to publish in a handsome, leather-bound multi-volume set.

On second thought, maybe my life-movie would be Hercules vs. the Hydra. Or perhaps just Sisyphus.

If things don’t improve, my legacy to my children will be a lifetime of indentured servitude while they finish the tasks I never had time to get to. It’s not that I don’t try. I’ve purchased dozens of books on time management and fully intend to read them … as soon as I can find the time. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Robert for his kind words on It’s A Date and a link off to his blog which is chock full o’ interesting Haiku.  http://roberttgasperson.com/articleblog/
• Thanks to Shane (http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/) and Stephen for their constant support and kind words…I’ll have to see if my wife wants to add any commentary on the essay about dating.
• Finally, thanks to Twitter friend Giznew (http://www.twitter.com/giznew), Doug Franklin, Robert Schuster and my Mom (all on Facebook)  for sharing a laugh with me over the inflated price of my book on Amazon.com.

The answer to that question is obvious.

Phone surveys….except that wasn’t one of the things they asked about.

The researchers called people and asked them to rate their level of irritation at common annoyances. The scale ran from 1 (“it’s all good”) to 10 (“you die now!”) I can only imagine how the calls must have gone.

“Hello. This is Consumer Reports and we’d like to ask you about the things that annoy you.”

* CLICK *

(Full Text)

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Notes:

• My thanks to Stephen Jarvis for his affirming comments on Memory Laps and Confidence Man.
• Thanks, too, to Andy for his help in correcting a typo.  You’ll find more about Andy at:
  http://www.beinghumancast.com
• A quick shout-out to a couple of other web media producers Ian Peaston (http://www.elucian.com/) and Chas Hathaway (http://chas.willowrise.com/)  Unlike me, both of these talented gents produce music as well as written material.  I’m very, very jealous.

To complete the illusion that we were inhabitants of that happy space between the wedding ceremony and the first serious fight, we were sitting side-by-side in the restaurant booth instead of across the table.

“Aren’t you sweet,” the waitress said.

Maybe.

The truth is, I’ve come to realize that the real work of dating is just beginning for me. My wife and I have spent more than two decades as co-parents of two boys. I wouldn’t say that we never went on dates during those years. My wife might, but I wouldn’t. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• My thanks to Facebook friend Bob Mitchell for suggesting the topic for today’s essay.  If you have an idea for an episode, feel free to send it along to my e-mail or post a comment here.
• Apologies to DigitalRob for overlooking him last week.
• To learn more about Tee Morris’ tragic loss, please check out the post on the How To Grow Your Geek webpage at http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/2010/01/07/help-tee-morris-and-sonic-boom-in-their-time-of-need/
• Thanks to Ximena Perez for her kind comments and greetings to new listener Anthony!
• I appreciate Tim King’s kind words about my book at http://blog.jtimothyking.com/2009/12/29/in-honor-of-indie-unknown-and-mid-list-authors
• If you want to read Shane McAfee’s (very funny) take on guys pretending to be experts, check out his blog entry on the subject at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-superego-reveals-idiot.html

It was my fault. If I didn’t want to answer highly technical questions from random strangers, I shouldn’t have worn my red fleece vest to the home improvement center. The disaster that happened the day I wore a white shirt and black tie to the Buy More electronics emporium should have been a clue, but maybe I’m a slow learner.

In my defense, it was cold on the morning I went to the home improvement center and my vest is warm and comfortable. It’s also — and I don’t want to underestimate the role this played in the deception that followed — red.

“I’m hanging a flat screen TV. Can you tell me what kind of hardware to use?”

Was he asking me? Was a total stranger really asking me a question about home improvement? (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Tim King for helping me correct an embarassing typo in the full text version of Childhood Games.  You can find Tim’s work on-line at http://www.jtimothyking.com/
• Thanks, too, to Sam (@TheMoneyGeek) on Twitter for pointing people to Childhood games.  Sam is a terrific financial adviser and you can learn more about his services at http://www.ydfs.com/
• Finally, thanks to listener Gus for a very encouraging letter!

If you have a job, you probably have a job description. This allows your manager to keep you centered on the tasks which are vital to maintaining a mission-centric focus for your forward-looking organization. It is also useful when your manager wants to evaluate you, discipline you, or assign you a completely random task which is justified by the phrase “additional duties as required.” (Kind of like TV game shows where the points are tripled in the last round making all of the rounds that come before mere window dressing.)

We need job descriptions, though, because modern jobs are so complex. In the early days of humanity, the typical job description for a hunter/gatherer would have read:

1. Hunt
2. Gather

Unless, of course, the human resources cave had gotten wind of the fact that the hunter/gatherer group wasn’t following tribe policy in regards to using fully-formed, ISO 9000-compliant job descriptions. Then the manager over the hunter/gatherers would have had to get out his tablet and chisel and come up with something a little more robust. (Full Text)

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I remember running across the schoolyard; carefree and laughing as I engaged in the ritualized combat of games like “Tag,” “Capture the Flag,” and “Avoid the Bullies.” Well, actually, they weren’t that carefree. In fact, I remember spending a lot of time being out and even more time trying to wipe grass stains off my jeans.

As a child, I had all of the grace of a hippopotamus in tap shoes and ran with the awkward lope of a three-legged jackrabbit. As an adult, I no longer have to play schoolyard games. Nobody in the office ever tries to get up a vigorous game of “Red Rover”, “Four Square” or even “Cat’s Cradle.” Instead we play “Look Busy the Boss is Coming”, “March Madness Pool” and “Hot Potato” with the Jenkins’ contract substituting for the traditional beanbag. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• A quick “shout out” of thanks to Twitter Pals @Mainframe, @MichaelPokocky, @elucian and @HJKuzcotopia
• Thanks to Andy and Suzi over at the Being Human podcast.  You can find it at: http://www.beinghumancast.com
• You can find Alex and the New Forest Podcast at http://newforestpodcast.wordpress.com
• If you’re looking for a funny take on life in Utah, check out Pat Bagely and the work of the incomparable Robert Kirby,

The main problem with film reviews — as far as I’m concerned — is that they tend to be abused by people trying to promote the films. Filmmakers and film reviewers are locked in an unhealthy symbiotic relationship like sharks and remoras, lichens and trees, and American Idol judges and contestants. It’s a bloodsucking relationship in which the hardworking filmmakers are remorselessly drained by the reviewers. Or is it the other way ‘round?

Honestly, it’s tough to tell sometimes.

The poor reviewer has to give up a couple of valuable hours sitting through whatever muck the producers manage to get to stick to the screen and then has to spend another hour or two using a thesaurus to find just the right adjectives for “loathsome”, “nauseating”, and “yucky.” After pounding out a masterpiece (and getting it past the editor and legal department more-or-less intact) the reviewer releases his wisdom to the world. Where it is immediately mangled, mishandled, and abused by the motion picture community. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• As I mentioned on the show, I had some very encouraging comments on the Christmas episode from some other humorists working on the web.  If you’d like to learn more about them, check out their websites at:
  http://www.wandaargersinger.com (Wanda)
  http://rosevalenta.blogspot.com (Rose)
  http://enterthelaughter.com/blog/ (Marti)

I’ve been thinking a lot about loss lately. Maybe it’s because fall is turning to winter; maybe it’s because I’m getting older; but most likely it’s because my favorite toaster just shuffled off it’s electric coil.

Really.

You have to understand that this was no ordinary toaster. This was an extra-ordinary toaster, a gifted-and-talented toaster, a toaster to be reckoned with. If it had been a pop star it would have been Elvis Presley; the King of Toasters.

This particular toaster’s amazing talent was the ability to make toast and poach an egg. Let’s see your ordinary, store-brand Chrome-and-Bakelite model pull off that little trick. With just a couple of ounces of water and a whipped egg, my brave little toaster could turn out an egg-and-muffin sandwich the equal of any you’d find at the most upscale fast food joint.

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Notes:

• Let me start with some quick shout-outs to some on-line friends; @PirateScribe, @PepperWhiting, Shane, and Chris!  Thanks for all of your kind and supportive words.
• A couple of listeners have caught the J.C. Hutchins joke in episode 180.  You can find J.C. at his on-line home www.jchutchins.net
• Thanks to everyone who listens in at www.CleanCasts.com
• If you haven’t found forgottenclassics.blogspot.com you might want to check them out.
• Finally, if you haven’t listened to my son’s podcast mini-series and enjoy a good steampunk story, you can find it at http://AirshipDiaries.libysn.com

I love this time of year, when Christmas tiptoes stealthily into the stores. You know how it is. At first it’s just a candy cane or two and then an ornament or maybe a small string of lights. It’s so subtle it would be easy to miss.

Not really.

Christmas lands on retail stores some time in August the way the Allied Army landed on Normandy. When the Holiday merchandise arrives it’s every man for himself and if you stand in one place too long you could find yourself strung with tinsel, illuminated by a string of C7s or splattered white with artificial snow. There’s no place for wimps in a Happy Yuletide.

Every year, the manufacturers trot out bizarre new Christmas-themed products. For example, there’s a certain greeting card company — to protect its identity, we’ll call it Mallhark — that brings out a whole new line of collectible tree ornaments every year. Tucked in amongst the Santas and snowmen and penguins you’ll find Teenage Fashion Model Barbie (trademark), and The Wicked Witch of the West (all rights reserved), and Robby the Robot (patent pending). It gets even stranger when you see the ornaments celebrating Star Trek ™, and Star Wars ™, and assorted superheroes (DC). Who thinks the best way to say “Peace on Earth, Goodwill toward men” is with a Klingon battle cruiser, Han Solo in trooper armor, or Wolverine with his claws extended? Is the company motto actually “When you care enough to send the very weirdest?” (Full Text)

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Notes:

• First of all, let me apologize for the background bird noises at the end of the episode.  That was our pet cockatiel Mr. Bingley.  He was in an obnoxious mood and I didn’t think he was loud enough that the mic would pick him up.   I guess he really wanted to be part of the show.
• Thanks to all of the great folks who commented on episode #180 (-tioning Home Improvement.)
• As I mentioned, in that episode I gave a nod to “The Brink” from the incomparable J.C. Hutchins.  You can learn all about J.C. and his amazing projects at:
  http://www.jchutchins.net
• Thanks to @MichaelPokocky for his shout-out on Twitter and to @elucian for including me in #WriterWednesday
• Finally a tip o’ the hat to the good folks at MQResource.com for including this show in a list of comedy podcasts.  You can read the post at http://tinyurl.com/yfoay9w

I live in northern Utah which meteorologists describe as having an arid to semi-arid climate. Unlike some parts of the county where the weather never changes — I’m looking at you Southern California — we have definite seasons. If you start keeping track in July, the seasons are hot, hotter, hottest, too hot, when will the heat end, school registration season, why won’t the heat end, windy season, rainy season, Indian summer, why is it hot again, smog, the new Fall TV season, High School football season, Jazz Basketball Season, the one perfect Fall day, hunting season, municipal election season, cold season, flu and cold season, colder, coldest, why can’t it be hot again, smog, first snowfall isn’t it beautiful, snowing? again?, Christmas shopping season, bad roads and fender-bender season, Christmas day with a thirty-percent chance of snow, Hollywood awards season, smog, almost spring, melty, snow pack runoff, street flooding, road construction planning, the one perfect spring day, rain, rainier, rainiest, smog, lawn mower repair season, the annual blooming of the orange barrels, constructions guys with shovels but no visible work to do, graduation season, wedding season, smog, early summer, and finally back to hot. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Chris Lane for some kind words this week.  You can learn more about Chris (and see some of his terrific photos) at http://www.ChrisLanePhoto.com
• As mentioned on the episode, Twitter friend @Mainframe noticed that I was on a “behind the scenes” episode of Angel Between the Lines where I got to talk about directing for an audio drama.  If you’re interested, you can listen in at:
  http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/2009/11/abtls1bts002-behind-the-scenes-with-the-directors/

With our sons grown and out of the house, my wife and I have completed our legally-mandated term of active service as parents. We find ourselves sliding giddily into the category of empty-nesters. We have the freedom to do what we want, when we want. Travel planning no longer requires us to consider school schedules, after school events and the quantity of fast-food restaurants along our intended travel route. We can be crazy and spontaneous.

So, how did we choose to explore our new independence? Last Sunday I found myself jammed under a kitchen cabinet, wrench in hand, installing a stainless steel sink.

Really. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Check out the JT Indie podcast at http://www.jtindie.com
• Please take a moment to fill out the listener survey at
  http://www.HappilyDomesticated.com/listener-survey/

Who doesn’t love a trip to the zoo?

Well, probably the animals for whom it is a one-way trip, but that’s not really the point. The point is that you get to spend a happy, lazy day eating junk food and wandering past neat rows of tiny cages containing permanently trapped animals. As you stare at their cute faces, you just know that — if they could talk — they’d beg you to rescue them.

If you can’t afford the zoo, you can get much the same experience with a bag of vending-machine pretzels and a visit to the cubicle farm of any corporation in America. Except, as you walk past the cubicles and stare at the occupants’ cute little faces, they can talk and they will beg you to rescue them. If you’re feeling kind, you might toss a pretzel or two their way. Don’t encourage them too much, though, or they’ll break out and follow you home. It’s not that hard to escape a cubicle — unless all you have is a liberal arts degree. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Vee of http://jugglingscarves.blogspot.com for recommending the show on the MightyGirl.com site.
• Thanks to Andrew Hackard and Ringmaster Greg for great show ideas!
• If you’re willing, I’d be grateful for a review on the new Farpoint Media website at:
  http://www.farpointmedia.com/short-cummings-audio/

After an extensive examination, the doctor concluded that my wife wasn’t right in the head.

Aside: my wife is glaring at me with a look that could blister the paint on a battleship. In the interest of avoiding incineration, let me provide a some context.

The doctor in question is my wife’s oh-toe-lair-in …. auto-lauren … octo-linen … ear, nose and throat guy. He decided that she was having trouble with her sinuses, but he said he had a fix for that.

I looked up sinuses on-line to see what he might be talking about. Guess what? Sinuses are just holes in your skull. Sort of like damp, gooey caves hidden behind the bones of your face. So, in essence, the doctor was saying that my wife had holes in her head and that was the problem. (Full Text)

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Notes:

• You can find the survey I mentioned at http://www.takethesurvey.com/wizzard
• The shiny new Far Point Media site is at http://www.farpointmedia.com
• You can learn more about the book (and link through to its page on Amazon.com) at: http://www.HappilyDomesticated.com/BookPage

Good. Luck.

Really.

Our conversations are non-linear in the same way that tires are non-square, fish are non-mammals, and beefsteak tomatoes are non-meat. For example, imagine that I wanted to tell my wife I’d set up an appointment to have the lawn-chemical warfare guys spray the foundation for bugs.

I pay them to do this every Fall even though I’m not convinced it actually works. For all I know the big hose on their truck is actually connected to a tank filled with leftover cologne that stores couldn’t unload on Father’s Day. If I got down close and sniffed, my house might smell of off-brand aftershave like Old Splice, Tommy Hilfinger, or Huge Old Boss. It might repel the bugs for the same reason these scents repel anyone over the age of eight. Or maybe there never were any bugs to begin with. Or there might be a huge army of bugs massed on the far side of the fence just waiting for the year that I forget to tell my wife the be ready to let the lawn-chemical warfare guys into the backyard. That’s why it’s vitally important for me to call her and tell her to expect them promptly between nine and three tomorrow.

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Notes:

• You can listen in on all of the fun of Angel Between the Lines at: http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/
• My interview with the writers is found at: http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/2009/10/abtlbts01-%E2%80%93-behind-the-scenes-writers/
• And you can find my story “Duluth” at: http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/2009/10/abtls1duluth-%E2%80%93-stories-from-wolfram-hart-duluth/
• If you’d prefer to read the script, it’s at: http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/2009/10/abtls1duluth-stories-from-wolfram-hart-duluth-pdf/

Really.

In the evenings, we no longer have to make sure that everyone has finished their math or packed their lunch or remembered to tell us about the forty-page book report about War and Peace that’s due first thing in the morning even though they have yet to technically read any actual part of the book including the title. My wife and I can enjoy meals which include sophisticated adult foods like broccoli, fish, and cheese that didn’t come from the inside of an aerosol can. We don’t have to worry about our television-viewing choices corrupting our children so we are fee to watch the evening news once more. In a lot of ways, it’s like being newlyweds all over-again; except we’re newlyweds with decades of experience.

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Notes:

• I really enjoyed being able to be part of the craziness in episode 96 of Bells in the Batfry.  You can listen to that episode at: http://thebatfry.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=536919
• During the close of the show, I mentioned podcast novelist J.C. Hutchins and the publication of his novel 7th Son: Descent.  You can find out all about that at: http://jchutchins.net/site/about-7th-son/7th-son-descent/

Oh. Wait.

That’s the buffalo. Nonetheless, newspapers really are dying. If your local daily was a guest character on a medical drama, the hunky doctor would be saying reassuring things to the newspaper’s family before telling the gorgeous nurse to have the morgue boys come up the back way so as not to alarm anybody. Which is a shame because the local paper performs the vital service of identifing the dangerous lunatics in your neighborhood.

Don’t believe me? Try this simple test. Pick up any local daily newspaper, turn to the letters to the editor page and read it. Now are you convinced? I thought so.

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Notes:

• Congratulations to the contest winners Tammi, Ian, Richard, Shane & Tim!
• Thanks to Grammar Girl for supporting my book and graciously allowing me to guest write for her podcast.  You can find that episode at http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/how-to-write-a-complaint-letter.aspx
• You can read my interview on the BeTheStory.com blog at: http://bethestory.com/2009/10/07/interview-with-humorist-kevin-cummings
• You can find Richard’s clever bitstrips comic at: http://www.bitstrips.com/user/64980/read.php?comic_id=336098&subsection=1
• Thanks to the good folks at JTIndie for playing my promo: http://www.jtindie.com/2009/10/episode-77-heavy-heart/ for playing my promo

Really.

The original public sporting spectacle — the ancient Olympic games — didn’t have any color commentators to explain the on-field action. To attract public attention, the players had to resort to wearing their summer uniforms. This helped draw a modest crowd, but modern historians all agree that more people would have gone to see the games if Howard Cosell had provided his insights into the nuances of the competition. Unfortunately for the organizers, Cosell was about two-thousand years too young to participate.

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Notes:

• Thanks to Bob and Stephen for their encouraging words this past week.
• Don’t forget to check out the book page at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookpage/

No, I’m kidding. The Great American Pastime is baseball; an event in which small teams of highly skilled and carefully trained individuals convene in a specially-designated location to compete by following a complicated set of rules under the watchful eyes of a team of impartial judges. So, come to think of it, baseball isn’t that much different from court. Except, wouldn’t court be a lot cooler if the lawyers had to wear knee-breeches? It would at least make it easier to identify the prosecutors from the defenders.

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Notes:

• Thanks to Shane, Cheryl and @Mainframe for their kind and encouraging words this week.
• Thanks, also, to http://www.thescotchcast.com/ for playing my promo.
• Finally, I mentioned Ian Peaston’s interesting experiment in serial fiction during the show.  You can check it out for yourself at: http://www.whoiskai.com/

When I was in school, I had a Vegas-like attitude; what happened in fourth period history, stayed in fourth period history. Except, that it often didn’t happen. I found it difficult to pay attention in Mr. Harris’ class because the girl in the desk ahead of me had the most heavenly scent. When I finally worked up the courage to ask her what it was, she said, “Ivory soap.”

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Notes:

• If you need any kind of web or graphic design work, your first stop should be:
  http://www.podcastdesigns.com

“I can’t eat this,” I said.  “The pork chop is completely burned.”

“Not all of it,” my wife said.  “Just cut away the burned part and eat what’s left.”

“What’s left is the bone.”

“Then eat the green beans.”

“Burned.”

“The applesauce, then.”

“Burned.”

“The salad.”

“Burned.”

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Notes:

• My thanks to Brian Brown and Summer Brooks at http://www.farpointmedia.net for their help with the redesign.  You can also hear them both on the Slice of SciFi podcast at http://www.sliceofscifi.com
• I’m also wanted to thank the good folks at the JTIndie podcast for playing my promo.  You can find them at http://www.jtindie.com
• As I mentioned on the show, I’ve found a very funny blog from a very funny newspaper columnist in British Columbia.  You can read his stuff at http://occasionalhumourist.blogspot.com/

Body-builders stand out because they are tanned and fit in the exact same way that Mount Everest is not small. Their distressingly unnatural proportions make it tough for them to fit into regular clothes. This is why bodybuilding competitions always involve swimsuits. It also makes it easy to avoid them at parties.

Experts, on the other hand, tend to look just like ordinary people. They can pin you down under a high-intensity barrage of information so fast you won’t know what hit you.

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Notes:

This episode grew out an an e-mail correspondence with Norm Beer.  You can find out more about Norm on his website at: http://www.nkbeer.com.  I want to thank Norm for graciously allowing me to use his real name in the episode.

Also want to thank @Krud for reinforcing the central idea of this episode.  Thanks!

Finally, thanks to @DigitalRob for his kind words.  You can learn more about Rob on his blog at http://mr-williams.net/life/

Despite my common sense, I recently tried my hand at skydiving from the dizzying altitude of five feet, ten inches.

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Notes:

The feedback lately has been a lot of fun, particularly in response to this Tweet.  When that went out, I heard back from @trgrant, @hjkuzcotopia, @AdoroTeDevote, and (of course) @CaptainJareck.

@TheMoneyGeek is a great supporter of the show and I really appreciate that.  If I ever win the Utah lottery (which will be tough ’cause Utah doesn’t have a lottery) I’ll turn to Sam for investment advice.

@Mainframe responded to this Tweet.

Finally, thanks to two great podcasts for promoting the show recently.  The New Forest podcast (thanks Alex) and Chuck Tomasi over at Technorama (THE place to go for all things geek.)

One camp is populated entirely by people who have an excess of ready cash; these are the People of the Apple. They’re eager to point out that the Apple OS is now in version X which is waaay better than version seven. So what that Apple hardware costs about three times as much as the Windows equivalent? It’s just ‘that’ much cooler. They say they’d like to see Windows gone, but deep in their hearts they know they really need Windows so they’ll have something to feel smug and superior about.

The folks in the Linux camp have no use for anyone who isn’t willing to compile an operating system in order to use it. You have to watch them closely because they’ll GREP or FINGER you at the drop of a CD-ROM. They don’t care about other operating systems because all non-Linux software is just a pale reflection of the Platonic ideal.

The largest camp is made up of actual Windows users; half of whom hate the thought of a new version while the other half cling to the hope that this time things will be better.

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http://wp.me/pjV28-93

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Notes:

My thanks to all of the great folks who sent encouraging words my way this week:

• Stuart Jaffe
• Jeffrey Hite
• @RedPenofDoom
• Shane
• Stephen
• @Zac_in_Ak
• @RobertoBarriero

The hiring process starts when a manager feels a certain emptiness and yearning for companionship and realizes that it would be really nice to have another staff member to help carry the load. It’s important for the manager to have a clear idea of the kind of person they’re looking for so, just like a young person looking for a mate, they’ll write out a detailed, realistic description of the skills and experience they desire.

It’s amazing the difference one enlightenment and a few centuries can make. Now we all work in some company where any manager can summon all of the employees into a conference room for a meeting at a whim. If a couple of supervisors have a disagreement — say, over control of a resource, an office, or some ser…employees — they meet in an executive board room and argue until one of them is deaf or seriously tired.

Measured in terms of “gallons of blood” spilled, the modern approach is infinitely superior to the medieval equivalent. However, the meetings haven’t changed much in nearly a millennia.

Oddly, you see a lot more movies about knights and lords than you do about business meetings. There’s a simple reason for this; meetings are dull.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/08/15/meeting-of-the-bored/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Sam @TheMoneyGeek for his kind comments about my new avatar.  You can find it here and here.
• My sincere apologies for the Yoda impression.  It won’t happen again.

I am utterly reliant on odd assortment of inventions, devices, gadgets and gizmos; so long as the technology holds out, I’ll be fine. In my imagination, I am a survivor-type whose courage is a match for any calamity. In truth, I’m a technologically-coddled coward who whimpers when the DVR misses the latest episode of Dr. Who.

That’s how bad it’s gotten.

Really.

My ancestors had to decide what television programs to watch by actually finding and reading TV Guide. Fortunately, in those unenlightened times, the number TV stations was small enough to count on the fingers of a cartoon character’s hand. Scanning through a three-program listing and deciding not to watch TV was much easier than flipping through two-hundred channels and a half-dozen pay-per-view movies before deciding not to watch TV. The DVR makes the whole process even harder because now I have to decide not to watch recorded programs, too.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/technologically-dependent/

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Notes:

• You can find frequent contributer Shane McAfee’s blog at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/
• Twitter Pal @Betani has a really interesting website at http://betanisbureau.com/
• Thanks to Robert Gasperson for his comment on Mile Marker 45.  You can learn more about Robert on his blog at http://www.robertgasperson.com

Okay, so after a while all of the stories sort of run together and the closest thing to a boy wizard in the real world is my news carrier who routinely performs the trick of making the morning paper disappear into the neighbor’s rose bushes. Still, it’s all in how you look at things. With a little imagination (or possibly a few moments of oxygen deprivation) it’s easy to pretend that your own, actual, real life is as exciting as the lives of your on-screen heroes.
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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/08/01/i-wish-that-life-was-like-the-movies/

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Notes:

• My thanks to Matt over at http://www.pizzagohere.com/ for extending my research into Teenage Dropsy.
• Congratulations to Evan for completing http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com

I’ve seen a disturbing number of significant family birthdays and anniversaries this year. My youngest son turned eighteen, my oldest son turned twenty-one, and I turned old. My wife, annoyingly, has remained as youthful and beautiful as ever. She claims this to be the result of clean living, a good attitude and just a tiny bit of help from her personal assistants Miss Clairol and Mary Kay. I’m thinking of checking the attic for a portrait. On the other hand, maybe I won’t. When I’m eighty and she still looks twenty-five, I’ll be the envy of the rest of the nursing home.

I am reminded, that birthdays and anniversaries are the mile markers of life.

My own birthday doesn’t bother me. Through years of careful inattention I have developed the ability to deny that I’m getting older even though I had to stop checking the “35-44″ box on surveys last year. As far as aging is concerned, I’ve moved into the state of denial and haven’t left a forwarding address. Except, when my children have birthdays, I do the math and realize I must be older than I thought.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/mile-marker-forty-five/

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Notes:

• Thanks again to the Heiler family for linking off to this site in the blog.  I really appreciate it.
• A big “Hello” to my new Twitter friends @Sam55510 and @Meike_Schneider
• Congratulations to Alex at the New Forest Podcast for hitting episode 50!
• And, finally, I’d like to encourage you once again to join me as a listener (and, if possible, supporter) of Decoder Ring Theater.

During this intensive course I will challenge your assumptions and teach you new skills. If you do not wash out, you will become husband material.

You will obtain and maintain gainful employment. You will listen to your wives.

Are you listening to me larvae?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/bridegroom-boot-camp/

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Notes:

• Thanks to all of the Twitter-friends who helped out with this episode including @Comedy4Cast, @hjkuzcotopia and @TheMoneyGeek.
• It was nice to meet @burgessbooksinc on Twitter.  You might want to follow William’s tweets to learn about the great (and rare) books he’s selling
• Thanks to Bryan and Doug over on Facebook for their encouraging words.
• Finally, thanks to Mignon Fogarty (@GrammarGirl) for using my son’s question in a recent e-mail newsletter.

During the recent influenza outbreak, news broadcasters switched into hilarious panic mode. Night after night they talked excitedly in the manner of newscasters in classic Japanese monster movies.

“Swine flu has been sighted outside your town and is headed your way! It will destroy you and your family! You must evacuate at once!”

From the sound of it, we should have been running in panic down the streets while a sixty-foot virus stomped our homes into rubble. The only thing missing was a scientist in a white lab coat and black plastic glasses telling us his secret invention was the key to defeating Swine Flu, but that he couldn’t use it because it was too powerful for mankind to possess.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/11/missed-diagnoses/

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Notes:

• A quick shout-out to all of the nice folks I’ve been chatting with on Twitter including @spelleanor, @zac_in_ak, @themoneygeek, @mainframe, @mmangen, @CoolB, @NewForestAlex, @BecaVan, @jTimothyKing, @verseandy and @hjkuzcotopia.
• Thanks to Kim and And for playing my promo on the Joss Wheadon fan podcast Upsidedown and Halfway to Happyland
• Thanks also to CleanCasts.com — a great directory — for featuring this program and @Betanie for the re-Tweet of their announcement.
• Finally, thanks to Shane and Stephen and cousin Tim for hanging in there with me during a recent writing session.  It was fun to have you along.

Right after our honeymoon, my wife moved into my apartment. In theory I was in favor of living under the same roof with my new bride; in practice dividing up the living space required extensive negotiations that continue to this day. Part of the problem was the apartment itself.

In terms of roominess, it compared well to a BMW sedan, but lacked the amenities or maneuverability. The bathroom offered a toilet, sink, and tub which had been designed for the munchkins of Oz. The bedroom offered space for a bed or dresser, but not both. The living/dining/entry room had the benefit of being so small it made our thirteen-inch television look like an IMAX screen. The kitchen was adequate so long as you were content to cook a one-pot, one-course meal.

Still, I’d managed to settle in and had found places for my few possessions. Then my beloved moved in … along with all of her stuff. Things I didn’t recognize started turning up in places I didn’t expect.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/space-invaders/

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Notes:

• First of all, there’s a logical inconsistency in this episode.  Did you notice?  Here at Short Cummings Audio, we strive to produce the highest quality audio humor.  Sadly, occasional mistakes do slip through.  We apologize if this caused you distress, confusion, or made you doubt your sanity.  Rest assured that the individual responsible for this reprehensible error will be found and dealt with appropriately.
• My thanks to Jeffrey Hite (http://greathites.blogspot.com) for his hilarious audio feedback.
• Speaking of feedback, I appreciated Andrew Hackard’s comment about the poignant ending of the episode Twenty (Thousand) Questions.  Andrew has a very cool job.  You can learn more about what he does at http://www.worldofmunchkin.com/
• Also, it was nice meeting Gail Carriger this week.  You can learn more about Gail and her forthcoming book at http://www.gailcarriger.com

Once I was married, my wife explained that house cleaning was less an event and more a regular occurrence. In her view, the entire house needed a good cleaning at least once a week and parts of it required daily attention. I tried to negotiate a longer, more reasonable schedule — something resembling a Congressional session or the length of an Ingmar Bergen film — but she stood firm.

So now I spend more time cleaning each week than I do reading the morning paper. I may not be well-informed, but at least I live in a tidy house.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/27/routine-housework/

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Notes:

• Once again, I owe Shane an apology for mis-pronouncing his name.  So, by way of making it up, let me point you off to his well-written and entertaining blog at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/
• Stuart Jaffe of The Eclectic Review left a nice comment about buying multiple appliances.  You can listen to Stuart and his wife Glory at http://eclectic.libsyn.com/
• My new Twitter friend Michelle Mangen is in a really interesting business…she’s a virtual assitant.  You can find out more at http://www.thevirtualasst.com/
• Finally, check out all of the interesting reviews over at http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Actually, no child asks that. Which is a real pity because at least you could look up the answer in any conveniently handy book on quantum physics. Instead, your children will test the limits of your understanding with seemingly innocent questions.

When my oldest was three, I introduced him to the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty. We’d just gotten to the part where Malificent crashes the party. As an adult, it was easy to see why she hadn’t been invited; She was bad mannered and about as much fun as dermatologist at a tanning center. My son asked, “Why is she being a bad guy?”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/twenty-thousand-questions/

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Notes:

• Special thanks to Twitter Pal Ogre_Kev for “multiasking”
• Thanks, too to CoolB for the congratulatory note.
• Celine and Chloe are the talented daughters of Sam “The Money Geek” Fawaz
• I’m on Facebook at this link.

When we bought the microwave at the local Buy More, the polo-shirted sales guy offered to sell us an installation contract as well. I shrugged him off. The box said it had installation instructions. How hard could it be? The sales guy just gave me a look that said, “You’ll be back. They all come crawling back.”

He might have been on to something. The instructions were written in a language which resembled English, but somewhere along the line the manual had been shaken violently and all of the words had changed places. For example, I had to puzzle out the meaning of this complex sentence; “If the cabinets are not plumb, adjust the mounting plates to the cabinets.” To my way of thinking, some of the words had been lost in shipping and I was left feeling unfulfilled and anxious, like at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. What if I couldn’t adjust the plates? What if the cabinet was plumb? Would Han Solo be rescued?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/please-follow-all-instructions-carefull/

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Notes:

• Between the Star Wars and Chuck jokes at the beginning and the physics joke at the end, I sort of let my inner geek off the leash this week.  For a very funny explanation of Schroedinger’s cat, check out the Straight Dope entry at:
  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/113/the-story-of-schroedingers-cat-an-epic-poem
• If you haven’t already checked out my son’s audio drama, please take a moment and swing by Airship Diaries at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com
• Finally, don’t forget to add your comments to the Book Proposal at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

I’m a putterer.

While some men invest their energy in creating vast business empires or building monumental bridges, I can happily spend an entire day trying to get just the right wallpaper for my computer desktop. To the casual observer, it looks like I’m hard at work, hunched over my desktop focused on the screen with the intensity of a hunting tiger. In reality, I’m carefully weighing whether I want the AC/DC logo or the kitties frolicking among the daisies as my background.

Looking genuinely busy while accomplishing nearly nothing is the key to a really effective putter. If it looks like you’re idle, somebody is going to come along and insist that you accomplish real work. This is especially true at your job.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/puttering-along/

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Notes:

• This episode marks the third anniversary of Short Cummings Audio and you know what I did to commemorate it?Nothing.Really.I’m such a guy I can’t even remember to mark the anniversary of my own podcast.  I do want to think you all, though, for your support and encouragement these past three years.  I honestly couldn’t have done it without you.
• You can find my book (My Favorite Shortcomings) on Amazon.com at:
  http://tinyurl.com/l3tdd5
• My reviews of the Hunt for Adventures books (as well as a compendium of all that I’m reading and have read recently) can be found at:
  http://www.shelfari.com/kevinleec/shelf
• Finally, don’t forget to check out (and comment on) my book proposal to you at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

This is the theory that underlies some of our greatest inventions like the Flowbee, the ShamWow, and the sub-prime mortgage. Who would ever think that off-beat products like these could sell? Americans, that’s who. We think they’ll sell because of our single greatest invention; marketing.

Really.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at
http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/30/a-better-mousetrap/

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Notes:

• You can learn about the Discovery Channel program at
  http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/pitchmen/pitchmen.html
• You can check out The Retroist blog at
  http://theretroist.wordpress.com
• Or you can meet some of my TwitterPals by clicking on their names @Grahaminchina, @Ogre_Kev, @WilliamPall, @Mainframe, @JeffreyHite, @Piratescribe, @SusietheGeek,  @BeccaVan and @Gen215

The one weapon they have in their arsenal is the amazing power of the Corporate Policy.

In a lot of ways, corporate policies are like magic spells. Both are complex and written in a language that most people don’t comprehend; both require years of study before they’re fully understood; and, if handled carelessly, both of them can turn on the person trying to use them.

Really.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at
http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/23/domestic-policy/

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Notes:

• Don’t forget to check out the New Forest Podcast at:
  http://newforestpodcast.wordpress.com/
• And please say “Hi” to my Twitter pals:
  http://twitter.com/LilacGrinThinks
  http://twitter.com/NobleSongster
  http://twitter.com/rosemarieDRE
  (Sorry about mispronouncing your name in the show, Rosemarie)
• Please share your thoughts on the new book idea at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

For me, meeting people at a casual social gathering is an invitation to disaster.

“Hi, I’m Kevin,” I’ll stick out my hand in a friendly manner and hope they’re the kind of person who isn’t particularly interested in people named Kevin.

They’ll share their name and my brain will immediately file it in long-term, irretrievable storage right next to the last known location of my car keys, my wife’s birthday, and the reminder to pick up the dry-cleaning on the way home. My brain is essentially lazy and figures that tossing things out is easier than remembering them.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/16/small-talk/

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Notes:

• Belated thanks to Chas Hathaway and Shane McAfee for their kind comments.  You’ll find them on-line at:
  http://chas.willowrise.com
  http://bdgjm.blogspot.com
• Thanks, also, to Twitter pal Colin (http://twitter.com/colboy) for some encouraging words.
• If you haven’t listened to my interview with Susie at How To Grow Your Geek, yet, please hurry on over and download it.
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/2009/05/04/htgyg-show-33-talking-with-kevin-cummings-from-short-cummings-audio/
• Finally, I am looking for comments on my book idea … especially your thoughts on which essays to include.  Please e-mail me at kevin [at] yahoo -dot- com or post in the comments space below.

I had to find a new, less math-intensive field of study. My fancy turned toward English Literature, but my father considered it an improper match. He pointed out that he had yet to see a want ad reading, “English major sought for serious leadership opportunity. Excellent benefits. Pay commensurate with experience. Non-smoker preferred. Must own boat.”

In short order I courted and abandoned several majors including accounting (the math thing again), journalism (they expected me to produce written documents on schedule and that so wasn’t me), exercise science (sweating for living also wasn’t me), business management (more math) and Political Science (which turned out to be a sneaky, dishonest name for “Pre-law”). After a while, I settled for Elementary Education.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/married-to-your-job/

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Notes:

• Thanks the #followfriday recommendation from:
  http://twitter.com/robertobarreiro
• Thanks, also, to Alex for his catch on the duplicated feeds.  You can find Alex and his podcast at:
  http://www.newforestpodcast.co.uk
• Lots of great content over at CleanCasts.com:
  http://www.cleancasts.com
• I greatly appreciate the promotion by the Future Traditions podcast:
  http://www.futuretraditions.com/
• Technorama is coming back!  Get all the relevant details at:
  http://www.chuckchat.com
• The joke about Cap’n Billy was a nod to humorist and author Tim Bete.  Check out his book on Pirate Parenting at:
  http://www.timbete.com/
• And, finally, check out Airship Diaries … my son’s audio-drama mini-serial at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com

I have trouble understanding his messages because I’m not fluent in “text”. Unlike him, I’m not a native speaker. He makes fun of my text messages and says that I’m old-fashioned and anybody hip to the real lingo can tell I’m not a cool cat. (Whenever I talk like that he just rolls his eyes.)

If I send him a perfectly reasonable message like, “I’m guessing you’re out of groceries and need to do your laundry. Do you plan to come home this weekend? Love, Dad” He answers with some cryptic note like “AFAIK”. When I seek clarification with, “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get that,” he responds with a testy, “AS FAR AS I KNOW.” If I ask him why he didn’t just say that in the first place he texts back, “Don’t make me waste letters.”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/short-answers/

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Notes:

• My thanks to Clinton of Comedy4Cast for letting me borrow a couple of his characters — Nomad451 and Lenny Treetop — for this essay.  Clinton’s podcast is one of my favorites and is clean and very, very funny.  You can find it at:
  http://www.comedy4cast.com
• Despite the fact that I poked fun at Twitter, I’m really a big fan.  You can find me at:
  http://www.twitter.com/KevinLeeC
• Also, the Twitter pals I mentioned on the show were Melas and OgreKev.  The Twitter couple I mentioned are Garazi and Stefsull.
• Thanks to the following podcasts for playing my promo:
  http://theweirdshow.com/
  http://www.dragonpage.com/
• Finally, just to show you that real life is nearly always stranger than fiction, the proposal I mentioned in the show is real.  Read about it here:
  http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/03/sweetest-tweet.html

One of the most traumatic episodes of my adolescence was my break-up with Carrie. For a brief time, she was the center of my world and I thought only of her. It didn’t last. I should have known it would never work; she was older, more attractive and completely unaware of my existence. We inhabited different worlds; I was an acne-faced high school student and she was a princess on Alderaan. At least she played a princess on Alderaan. (My hormone-addled teenage brain had occasional trouble with the distinction between film and reality.) When I realized we could never truly be together, I broke up and moved on … to Karen Allen.

Really.

At least the break-up wasn’t bitter. It didn’t seem to phase Carrie at all and living through the emotional trauma made me stronger and better able to handle the other inevitable break-ups in my life. It also gave me a chance to practice my lame break-up lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Has that line ever — in the entire history of human kind — worked on anybody?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/0009/04/25/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Sam “The Money Geek” for promoting me on Twitter’s #followfriday.  You can find Sam on Twitter or the web at:
  http://www.twitter.com/themoneygeek
  http://themoneygeek.com/
• Thanks, too, to the proprietor of the Diurnal Labyrinth blog at:
  http://diurnallabyrinth.squarespace.com
• Learn more about Holly Lisle’s writing course at:
  http://howtothinksideways.com/
• And check out the Holly Lisle interview on I Should Be Writing
  http://isbw.murlafferty.com/?p=327

No such luck. Your adrenal glands are squirting adrenaline on all of your other organs like a fireman hosing down a burning factory. Those other organs — which had been dozing right along with you — jump up and start freaking out. Your heart, lungs and sweat glands all race out of control and the best you can manage is a shouted, “WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK?”

This gives everyone in the room the impression that you are a paranoid, raving lunatic and your adrenal gland can rest easy knowing that it has once again saved you from the danger of earning a promotion.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/glandular-problems/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Tairy for including one of my essays in episode #170 of Little Red’s Writing Hood.  You can find out more at: http://www.lrwh.us/lrwh.us/LRWH-Podcast.html
• Thanks, also, to Jeffrey Hite at Great Hites for the bumper.  You can follow Jeffrey’s great podcast at: http://greathites.blogspot.com
• Finally, my continued gratitude to the good folks at Slice of SciFi for promoting my show.  Find them (and listen in) at: http://www.sliceofscifi.com

The tax laws in the United States represent a wildly successful attempt to create a set of rules so complex and confusing that nobody truly understands them; sort of like the hand-to-hand combat rules in Dungeons and Dragons. Tax lawyers can spend endless happy (and billable) hours arguing about whether or not Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps can legitimately deduct the cost of an Armani suit as a business expense. (The answer is “yes,” but only if he actually wears it in the pool while competing.)

If you are unskilled at law, you might assume that the tax codes are the way they are because they’ve just sort of grown up like ivy in an untended garden or mold on cheese left too long in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. If you think that, you’re not giving the government enough credit. Sure, at first, the tax laws grew complicated because nobody was paying attention, but once it realized what had happened, the government sensed a golden opportunity. (By which I mean they sensed an opportunity to seize your gold.)

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/11/a-taxing-situation/

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Notes:

• Thanks to everyone for the great feedback this week including:
  Ringmaster Greg
  P. Shane McAfee’s
  Ogre_Kev
  JeffreyHite
  Walt Snider
• Check out KoreRPG at:
  http://korecentral.com/

Not really.

College administrators are certain you’ll pay because without a decent education your children will never achieve that one thing you most desire for them; a place of their own. So you’ll do anything necessary — up to and including grand larceny, wire fraud and participation in risky pharmaceutical experiments — to raise the cash you need to put your kids through school.
These administrators are less certain about your child’s scholastic abilities. To make sure that they’re not admitting chowder-headed Neanderthals, colleges have strict admissions standards which place special emphasis on ACT scores.

The ACT is a standardized test which assesses students’ skills in Mathematics, Reading, English, Science, the Daily Double, the Video Daily Double, and Final Jeopardy. Contestants … I mean, students, who do well can win valuable prizes including admission to Ivy League schools and lucrative scholarship offers.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/04/acting-up/acting-upacting-up/

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Notes:

• Special thanks go out this week to alert listener Tim who told me that the Keeping Up Appearances episode was broken.  Thanks, Tim!
• Thanks for all the great feedback this week, especially from Twitter pals TonwithE, CoolB, Hade Debaillie and AlanLB, Zak in Alaska, Duane Dutson, PirateScribe (Future Traditions Podcast), LittleRed (Little Red’s Writing Hood), Jeffrey Hite (GreatHites), and P Shane McAfee on Facebook.
• That great BBC podcast that Andy pointed me to can be found at:
  http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/podcasts/fricomedy/
• Finally, for those who might be curious, my son really did get into his first choice school and will be attending here next Fall where he’ll major in Engineering.
  

My wife starts strong with something like, “Did you remember to stop and pick-up the … ummm ….” She winds down and her face goes blank until she looks like Paris Hilton on Final Jeopardy. It’s clear that her brain has vapor-locked, so I do my best to step-in and help out.

“You mean the … “ My mouth sends an urgent request to my brain for the rest of the sentence. My ever-helpful brain can’t find the information, but does return the mental equivalent of a 404 web error. Page not found. Try using a different address or contact the webmaster.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/21/effective-mari…communicationseffective-marital-communications/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Susie, host of the How to Grow Your Geek parenting podcast for the bumper.  You can find her at:
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/
• Thanks, also to Twitter follower DaddySir4 for his kind words.

An awful lot of folks are angry at the American banking industry and they are expressing their outrage by way of obscene gestures, foul language, and poorly-spelled letters to the editor. The government, sensing the restless mood of the public is responding by giving huge piles of crisp new dollar bills to the banks. The banks, in a bid to keep the cycle going by annoying people even more, are using the money to throw big parties.

One major financial institution — not to name names, but their initials are AIG — spent nearly a half million dollars on a corporate retreat at a lavish resort. Members of the American public — many of whom find themselves unexpectedly and unpleasantly unemployed — asked, “Could you bring me a doggie-bag from the buffet? Or maybe a doggie duffel bag? I’d kind of like to feed my family this month.”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/21/keeping-up-appearanceskeeping-up-appearances/

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Notes:

• PodcampSLC is less than a week away.  I’d love to meet you there.  All the details are at:
  http://www.podcampslc.org
• I mentioned Alex in the notes this episode. He’s a podcaster in the UK and has a great background in social media. Check him out on his website and if you need his kind of help, take a look at his on-line resume:
  http://newforestpodcast.wordpress.com/
• Another website worth visiting is Chuck Tomasi’s.  You can find him at:
  http://www.chuckchat.com