Once I was married, my wife explained that house cleaning was less an event and more a regular occurrence. In her view, the entire house needed a good cleaning at least once a week and parts of it required daily attention. I tried to negotiate a longer, more reasonable schedule — something resembling a Congressional session or the length of an Ingmar Bergen film — but she stood firm.

So now I spend more time cleaning each week than I do reading the morning paper. I may not be well-informed, but at least I live in a tidy house.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/27/routine-housework/

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Notes:

• Once again, I owe Shane an apology for mis-pronouncing his name.  So, by way of making it up, let me point you off to his well-written and entertaining blog at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/
• Stuart Jaffe of The Eclectic Review left a nice comment about buying multiple appliances.  You can listen to Stuart and his wife Glory at http://eclectic.libsyn.com/
• My new Twitter friend Michelle Mangen is in a really interesting business…she’s a virtual assitant.  You can find out more at http://www.thevirtualasst.com/
• Finally, check out all of the interesting reviews over at http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Actually, no child asks that. Which is a real pity because at least you could look up the answer in any conveniently handy book on quantum physics. Instead, your children will test the limits of your understanding with seemingly innocent questions.

When my oldest was three, I introduced him to the Disney version of Sleeping Beauty. We’d just gotten to the part where Malificent crashes the party. As an adult, it was easy to see why she hadn’t been invited; She was bad mannered and about as much fun as dermatologist at a tanning center. My son asked, “Why is she being a bad guy?”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/20/twenty-thousand-questions/

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Notes:

• Special thanks to Twitter Pal Ogre_Kev for “multiasking”
• Thanks, too to CoolB for the congratulatory note.
• Celine and Chloe are the talented daughters of Sam “The Money Geek” Fawaz
• I’m on Facebook at this link.

When we bought the microwave at the local Buy More, the polo-shirted sales guy offered to sell us an installation contract as well. I shrugged him off. The box said it had installation instructions. How hard could it be? The sales guy just gave me a look that said, “You’ll be back. They all come crawling back.”

He might have been on to something. The instructions were written in a language which resembled English, but somewhere along the line the manual had been shaken violently and all of the words had changed places. For example, I had to puzzle out the meaning of this complex sentence; “If the cabinets are not plumb, adjust the mounting plates to the cabinets.” To my way of thinking, some of the words had been lost in shipping and I was left feeling unfulfilled and anxious, like at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. What if I couldn’t adjust the plates? What if the cabinet was plumb? Would Han Solo be rescued?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/please-follow-all-instructions-carefull/

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Notes:

• Between the Star Wars and Chuck jokes at the beginning and the physics joke at the end, I sort of let my inner geek off the leash this week.  For a very funny explanation of Schroedinger’s cat, check out the Straight Dope entry at:
  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/113/the-story-of-schroedingers-cat-an-epic-poem
• If you haven’t already checked out my son’s audio drama, please take a moment and swing by Airship Diaries at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com
• Finally, don’t forget to add your comments to the Book Proposal at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

I’m a putterer.

While some men invest their energy in creating vast business empires or building monumental bridges, I can happily spend an entire day trying to get just the right wallpaper for my computer desktop. To the casual observer, it looks like I’m hard at work, hunched over my desktop focused on the screen with the intensity of a hunting tiger. In reality, I’m carefully weighing whether I want the AC/DC logo or the kitties frolicking among the daisies as my background.

Looking genuinely busy while accomplishing nearly nothing is the key to a really effective putter. If it looks like you’re idle, somebody is going to come along and insist that you accomplish real work. This is especially true at your job.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/puttering-along/

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Notes:

• This episode marks the third anniversary of Short Cummings Audio and you know what I did to commemorate it?Nothing.Really.I’m such a guy I can’t even remember to mark the anniversary of my own podcast.  I do want to think you all, though, for your support and encouragement these past three years.  I honestly couldn’t have done it without you.
• You can find my book (My Favorite Shortcomings) on Amazon.com at:
  http://tinyurl.com/l3tdd5
• My reviews of the Hunt for Adventures books (as well as a compendium of all that I’m reading and have read recently) can be found at:
  http://www.shelfari.com/kevinleec/shelf
• Finally, don’t forget to check out (and comment on) my book proposal to you at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

This is the theory that underlies some of our greatest inventions like the Flowbee, the ShamWow, and the sub-prime mortgage. Who would ever think that off-beat products like these could sell? Americans, that’s who. We think they’ll sell because of our single greatest invention; marketing.

Really.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at
http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/30/a-better-mousetrap/

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Notes:

• You can learn about the Discovery Channel program at
  http://dsc.discovery.com/tv/pitchmen/pitchmen.html
• You can check out The Retroist blog at
  http://theretroist.wordpress.com
• Or you can meet some of my TwitterPals by clicking on their names @Grahaminchina, @Ogre_Kev, @WilliamPall, @Mainframe, @JeffreyHite, @Piratescribe, @SusietheGeek,  @BeccaVan and @Gen215

The one weapon they have in their arsenal is the amazing power of the Corporate Policy.

In a lot of ways, corporate policies are like magic spells. Both are complex and written in a language that most people don’t comprehend; both require years of study before they’re fully understood; and, if handled carelessly, both of them can turn on the person trying to use them.

Really.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at
http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/23/domestic-policy/

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Notes:

• Don’t forget to check out the New Forest Podcast at:
  http://newforestpodcast.wordpress.com/
• And please say “Hi” to my Twitter pals:
  http://twitter.com/LilacGrinThinks
  http://twitter.com/NobleSongster
  http://twitter.com/rosemarieDRE
  (Sorry about mispronouncing your name in the show, Rosemarie)
• Please share your thoughts on the new book idea at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

For me, meeting people at a casual social gathering is an invitation to disaster.

“Hi, I’m Kevin,” I’ll stick out my hand in a friendly manner and hope they’re the kind of person who isn’t particularly interested in people named Kevin.

They’ll share their name and my brain will immediately file it in long-term, irretrievable storage right next to the last known location of my car keys, my wife’s birthday, and the reminder to pick up the dry-cleaning on the way home. My brain is essentially lazy and figures that tossing things out is easier than remembering them.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/16/small-talk/

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Notes:

• Belated thanks to Chas Hathaway and Shane McAfee for their kind comments.  You’ll find them on-line at:
  http://chas.willowrise.com
  http://bdgjm.blogspot.com
• Thanks, also, to Twitter pal Colin (http://twitter.com/colboy) for some encouraging words.
• If you haven’t listened to my interview with Susie at How To Grow Your Geek, yet, please hurry on over and download it.
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/2009/05/04/htgyg-show-33-talking-with-kevin-cummings-from-short-cummings-audio/
• Finally, I am looking for comments on my book idea … especially your thoughts on which essays to include.  Please e-mail me at kevin [at] yahoo -dot- com or post in the comments space below.

I had to find a new, less math-intensive field of study. My fancy turned toward English Literature, but my father considered it an improper match. He pointed out that he had yet to see a want ad reading, “English major sought for serious leadership opportunity. Excellent benefits. Pay commensurate with experience. Non-smoker preferred. Must own boat.”

In short order I courted and abandoned several majors including accounting (the math thing again), journalism (they expected me to produce written documents on schedule and that so wasn’t me), exercise science (sweating for living also wasn’t me), business management (more math) and Political Science (which turned out to be a sneaky, dishonest name for “Pre-law”). After a while, I settled for Elementary Education.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/married-to-your-job/

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Notes:

• Thanks the #followfriday recommendation from:
  http://twitter.com/robertobarreiro
• Thanks, also, to Alex for his catch on the duplicated feeds.  You can find Alex and his podcast at:
  http://www.newforestpodcast.co.uk
• Lots of great content over at CleanCasts.com:
  http://www.cleancasts.com
• I greatly appreciate the promotion by the Future Traditions podcast:
  http://www.futuretraditions.com/
• Technorama is coming back!  Get all the relevant details at:
  http://www.chuckchat.com
• The joke about Cap’n Billy was a nod to humorist and author Tim Bete.  Check out his book on Pirate Parenting at:
  http://www.timbete.com/
• And, finally, check out Airship Diaries … my son’s audio-drama mini-serial at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com

http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/2009/05/04/htgyg-show-33-talking-with-kevin-cummings-from-short-cummings-audio/

I’m grateful to Susie for inviting me on her show.  It was a great conversation and I had wonderful time.

I have trouble understanding his messages because I’m not fluent in “text”. Unlike him, I’m not a native speaker. He makes fun of my text messages and says that I’m old-fashioned and anybody hip to the real lingo can tell I’m not a cool cat. (Whenever I talk like that he just rolls his eyes.)

If I send him a perfectly reasonable message like, “I’m guessing you’re out of groceries and need to do your laundry. Do you plan to come home this weekend? Love, Dad” He answers with some cryptic note like “AFAIK”. When I seek clarification with, “I’m sorry. I didn’t quite get that,” he responds with a testy, “AS FAR AS I KNOW.” If I ask him why he didn’t just say that in the first place he texts back, “Don’t make me waste letters.”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/short-answers/

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Notes:

• My thanks to Clinton of Comedy4Cast for letting me borrow a couple of his characters — Nomad451 and Lenny Treetop — for this essay.  Clinton’s podcast is one of my favorites and is clean and very, very funny.  You can find it at:
  http://www.comedy4cast.com
• Despite the fact that I poked fun at Twitter, I’m really a big fan.  You can find me at:
  http://www.twitter.com/KevinLeeC
• Also, the Twitter pals I mentioned on the show were Melas and OgreKev.  The Twitter couple I mentioned are Garazi and Stefsull.
• Thanks to the following podcasts for playing my promo:
  http://theweirdshow.com/
  http://www.dragonpage.com/
• Finally, just to show you that real life is nearly always stranger than fiction, the proposal I mentioned in the show is real.  Read about it here:
  http://blog.wired.com/underwire/2008/03/sweetest-tweet.html

One of the most traumatic episodes of my adolescence was my break-up with Carrie. For a brief time, she was the center of my world and I thought only of her. It didn’t last. I should have known it would never work; she was older, more attractive and completely unaware of my existence. We inhabited different worlds; I was an acne-faced high school student and she was a princess on Alderaan. At least she played a princess on Alderaan. (My hormone-addled teenage brain had occasional trouble with the distinction between film and reality.) When I realized we could never truly be together, I broke up and moved on … to Karen Allen.

Really.

At least the break-up wasn’t bitter. It didn’t seem to phase Carrie at all and living through the emotional trauma made me stronger and better able to handle the other inevitable break-ups in my life. It also gave me a chance to practice my lame break-up lines like, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Has that line ever — in the entire history of human kind — worked on anybody?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/0009/04/25/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Sam “The Money Geek” for promoting me on Twitter’s #followfriday.  You can find Sam on Twitter or the web at:
  http://www.twitter.com/themoneygeek
  http://themoneygeek.com/
• Thanks, too, to the proprietor of the Diurnal Labyrinth blog at:
  http://diurnallabyrinth.squarespace.com
• Learn more about Holly Lisle’s writing course at:
  http://howtothinksideways.com/
• And check out the Holly Lisle interview on I Should Be Writing
  http://isbw.murlafferty.com/?p=327

No such luck. Your adrenal glands are squirting adrenaline on all of your other organs like a fireman hosing down a burning factory. Those other organs — which had been dozing right along with you — jump up and start freaking out. Your heart, lungs and sweat glands all race out of control and the best you can manage is a shouted, “WHAT DO YOU THINK I THINK?”

This gives everyone in the room the impression that you are a paranoid, raving lunatic and your adrenal gland can rest easy knowing that it has once again saved you from the danger of earning a promotion.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/18/glandular-problems/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Tairy for including one of my essays in episode #170 of Little Red’s Writing Hood.  You can find out more at: http://www.lrwh.us/lrwh.us/LRWH-Podcast.html
• Thanks, also, to Jeffrey Hite at Great Hites for the bumper.  You can follow Jeffrey’s great podcast at: http://greathites.blogspot.com
• Finally, my continued gratitude to the good folks at Slice of SciFi for promoting my show.  Find them (and listen in) at: http://www.sliceofscifi.com

The tax laws in the United States represent a wildly successful attempt to create a set of rules so complex and confusing that nobody truly understands them; sort of like the hand-to-hand combat rules in Dungeons and Dragons. Tax lawyers can spend endless happy (and billable) hours arguing about whether or not Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps can legitimately deduct the cost of an Armani suit as a business expense. (The answer is “yes,” but only if he actually wears it in the pool while competing.)

If you are unskilled at law, you might assume that the tax codes are the way they are because they’ve just sort of grown up like ivy in an untended garden or mold on cheese left too long in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator. If you think that, you’re not giving the government enough credit. Sure, at first, the tax laws grew complicated because nobody was paying attention, but once it realized what had happened, the government sensed a golden opportunity. (By which I mean they sensed an opportunity to seize your gold.)

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/11/a-taxing-situation/

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Notes:

• Thanks to everyone for the great feedback this week including:
  Ringmaster Greg
  P. Shane McAfee’s
  Ogre_Kev
  JeffreyHite
  Walt Snider
• Check out KoreRPG at:
  http://korecentral.com/

Not really.

College administrators are certain you’ll pay because without a decent education your children will never achieve that one thing you most desire for them; a place of their own. So you’ll do anything necessary — up to and including grand larceny, wire fraud and participation in risky pharmaceutical experiments — to raise the cash you need to put your kids through school.
These administrators are less certain about your child’s scholastic abilities. To make sure that they’re not admitting chowder-headed Neanderthals, colleges have strict admissions standards which place special emphasis on ACT scores.

The ACT is a standardized test which assesses students’ skills in Mathematics, Reading, English, Science, the Daily Double, the Video Daily Double, and Final Jeopardy. Contestants … I mean, students, who do well can win valuable prizes including admission to Ivy League schools and lucrative scholarship offers.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/04/04/acting-up/acting-upacting-up/

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Notes:

• Special thanks go out this week to alert listener Tim who told me that the Keeping Up Appearances episode was broken.  Thanks, Tim!
• Thanks for all the great feedback this week, especially from Twitter pals TonwithE, CoolB, Hade Debaillie and AlanLB, Zak in Alaska, Duane Dutson, PirateScribe (Future Traditions Podcast), LittleRed (Little Red’s Writing Hood), Jeffrey Hite (GreatHites), and P Shane McAfee on Facebook.
• That great BBC podcast that Andy pointed me to can be found at:
  http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/podcasts/fricomedy/
• Finally, for those who might be curious, my son really did get into his first choice school and will be attending here next Fall where he’ll major in Engineering.
  

My wife starts strong with something like, “Did you remember to stop and pick-up the … ummm ….” She winds down and her face goes blank until she looks like Paris Hilton on Final Jeopardy. It’s clear that her brain has vapor-locked, so I do my best to step-in and help out.

“You mean the … “ My mouth sends an urgent request to my brain for the rest of the sentence. My ever-helpful brain can’t find the information, but does return the mental equivalent of a 404 web error. Page not found. Try using a different address or contact the webmaster.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/21/effective-mari…communicationseffective-marital-communications/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Susie, host of the How to Grow Your Geek parenting podcast for the bumper.  You can find her at:
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/
• Thanks, also to Twitter follower DaddySir4 for his kind words.

An awful lot of folks are angry at the American banking industry and they are expressing their outrage by way of obscene gestures, foul language, and poorly-spelled letters to the editor. The government, sensing the restless mood of the public is responding by giving huge piles of crisp new dollar bills to the banks. The banks, in a bid to keep the cycle going by annoying people even more, are using the money to throw big parties.

One major financial institution — not to name names, but their initials are AIG — spent nearly a half million dollars on a corporate retreat at a lavish resort. Members of the American public — many of whom find themselves unexpectedly and unpleasantly unemployed — asked, “Could you bring me a doggie-bag from the buffet? Or maybe a doggie duffel bag? I’d kind of like to feed my family this month.”

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/21/keeping-up-appearanceskeeping-up-appearances/

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Notes:

• PodcampSLC is less than a week away.  I’d love to meet you there.  All the details are at:
  http://www.podcampslc.org
• I mentioned Alex in the notes this episode. He’s a podcaster in the UK and has a great background in social media. Check him out on his website and if you need his kind of help, take a look at his on-line resume:
  http://newforestpodcast.wordpress.com/
• Another website worth visiting is Chuck Tomasi’s.  You can find him at:
  http://www.chuckchat.com

You know how in High School “they” always tell you that they’re preparing you for life. The truth is … they’re absolutely right. If high school was a TV series, then adult life would be the big-screen adaption of the same material. The stakes are higher, the explosions are louder, and the guys are paunchier and balder. Disappointingly, not much else changes.

Really.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/14/my-so-called-adult-life/

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Notes:

• I had some nice notes from various Twitter followers this week, including:
  http://www.twitter.com/TheMoneyGeek
  http://www.twitter.com/ThomAllen
  http://www.twitter.com/Geek
• I also want to give a shout out to the Farpoint shows that have played my promo:
  http://www.sliceofscifi.com/
  http://www.adventuresinscifipublishing.com/
  http://www.dragonpage.com/
• Some of you may have noticed the new opening to the show. This was graciously provided by Susie over at the How to Grow Your Geek podcast:
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/
  
• Finally, if you can make it to PodcampSLC, I would love to meet you there:
  http://www.podcampslc.org

Somewhere along the line, most of us trade our shiny dreams for lackluster respectability, a decent dental plan, and a few bucks in our pocket at the end of the month. Employment holds all the appeal and excitement of a bicycle with two flat tires and a missing seat; you can’t get anywhere fast and the ride is pretty uncomfortable.

The truth is, work is what you make of it. With a little mental effort, you can trick yourself into having a good time each and every day. Imagine your office as the most interesting, amazing place on Earth. That’s right — pretend you really do work for the circus.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/07/too-many-clowns/

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Notes:

• You can follow me on Twitter at:
  http://www.twitter.com/kevinleec
• I had a nice note from writer J. Timothy King on the blog version of this site this week.  You can find out more about Tim’s writing at:
  http://www.jtimothyking.com/
• If you’d like to audition for Angel Between the Lines, you can find out more at:
  http://www.angelbetweenthelines.com/

Last weekend I went into unfriendly territory on a difficult mission; I went to the mall to get my watch battery replaced. When I was young, the mall and I were practically inseparable. I thought our love would stand the test of time and we’d be together forever. Sometime around my fortieth birthday we starting drifting apart. To be really honest, things had cooled between us all through my thirties. Stores that had once seemed so fresh and bold started feeling shallow and tacky. It wasn’t that I didn’t love the mall anymore, it’s just that I wasn’t in love with it. I’d grown and the mall hadn’t. It couldn’t give me the one thing I really wanted – a nice, quiet evening at home.

At least that’s what I told myself.

The truth is I can’t stand the mall because it makes me feel old and out of touch….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/02/28/malled/

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Notes:

• Special thanks to my two contributors this week:
  http://themoneygeek.com/
  http://greathites.blogspot.com
  
• Also, as noted in the episode, I’ve been doing some work with the great folks of Between The Lines Studios. You can find out more at:
  http://www.betweenthelinesstudios.com

Listening to the TV news about the economy is exactly like that; only a lot less informative.

Even so, just because the economy is going downhill faster than a bowling ball on a water slide, you don’t have to fret. If you take a few simple precautions you can maintain your standard of living or even make a profit.
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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.  If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/02/21/shaking-the-money-treeshaking-the-money-tree/

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Notes:

• You can find out more about my correspondent Dan Murrell (and the University he works for) at:
  http://www.memphis.edu/releases/jul08/murrell.htm
• Sam Fawaz also provided some inspiration for this episode.  You can find his outstanding financial blog at:
  http://themoneygeek.com/
• Speaking of matters of finance (and isn’t that what we’ve been doing this whole episode?) author and radio/TV host Dave Ramsey offers excellent advice on getting your finances in order:
  http://www.daveramsey.com/
• On the technical side of things I owe a HUGE debt of gratitude to Summer Brooks and Brian Brown for their help this week in my move to Farpoint Media.  You can find them both on Slice of SciFi at:
  http://www.sliceofscifi.com/
• Jim of the Howling Wolves podcast was a great help as well.  You can find Jim at:
  http://www.thehowlingwolves.com
• Jim and I are both on the writing team over at:
  http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Turning an argument into a fight is easy if you know what you’re doing. Sadly, many people only manage to start fights by accident. They get into arguments and stumble about inefficiently trying to see the other person’s point-of-view, offering compromise solutions, and generally dragging things out far longer than necessary. With a few simple skills and a little planning, you can go from discussing the weather to permanently parting company with someone in less time than it takes the average burger joint to get an order right.

Let’s be honest, a lot of your arguments are going to wind up as fights anyway, so why not learn to be as efficient as possible? In the interest of public service, let me tell you how to turn an argument into a fight.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Notes:

• I’m thrilled to be part of the Farpoint Media family of podcasts.  You can find more great shows at the Farpoint Media home page at:
  http://www.farpointmedia.net
• You can experience Konrad’s comic A Quartz Bead at:
  http://kokoart.net/quartz/index2.php?comic_ang=1

In the early days of television — when most of the sets were still pedal-powered — there were only three networks and respectable men like Walter Cronkite stared into the camera with sincere expressions and read the day’s news to us like a patient teacher reading to a class of dim-witted students. Walt stuck to the facts and gave us the stories in one quick dose; sort of the way you give nasty-tasting cough syrup to a child.

Somewhere along the line the TV networks decided that we were too dense or busy or distractable to absorb … um … what was I talking about?

Oh. Right. As a result of years of exposure to fast-paced TV shows, we no longer had the attention span necessary to … hey, is that a butterfly?

Sorry. I meant to say that we could no longer focus on the news the way Walt delivered it. We still needed quick doses, but we needed them over and over and over. The motto of the modern television news industry is “It’s not done until it’s overdone!”…….

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NOTES:

• I mentioned a lot of great podcasts and websites in the show today. You can find them at the following addresses:
• James B:
  http://www.jamesb.com
• The Eclectic Review:
  http://eclectic.libysn.com
• You Are The Guest:
  http://www.youaretheguest.com
• My Fort Dodge:
  http://www.myfortdodge.com
• Grammar Girl:
  http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com
• Buffy Between the Lines:
  http://betweenthelinesstudios.com
  
• I Should Be Writing
  http://www.ishouldbewriting.com
  
• Farpoint Media (My new on-line home!):
  http://www.farpointmedia.net

The origins of defense contracting are shrouded in the mists of history — or at least cloaked by the Official Secrets Act. I’ll bet, though, that the original defense contractors were the guys who came up with the Swiss Army knife.

Really.

The Swiss Army knife inconveniently combines unrelated tools in a package which is simultaneously too small to be useful and too big to comfortably fit in your pocket. Only an experienced, dedicated design committee could have created a device which promises so much and delivers so little. Then they made a fortune by selling it to the Army. I’m sure these guys were the ancestors of the people who created the Osprey Vertical-Take-Off-and-Landing aircraft. Not all of these guys work for Defense, though. A fair number of these “jam it together and see what sticks” designers work in cell phone manufacturing…….

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NOTES:

• Check out the latest (at long last) episode of the Face the Music podcast at: http://www.jamesb.com

For on-going, ever-changing, cheap home entertainment, nothing beats having children. Well, not cheap exactly. If you’re planning to have a child, you’d best be prepared to pay medical costs, daycare, the cover prices for a vast array of comprehensive parenting manuals which contain mutually-contradictory advice, pre-school testing fees, school enrollment fees, school picture fees, school picture retake fees because the first set of pictures make your child look like a member of the marsupial family, fashionably-ripped clothes, new fashionably-ripped clothes because the old ones aren’t fashionably-ripped enough, driving lessons, a new car to replace the one which was tragically lost at sea during the driving lessons, car insurance against the next unforeseen disaster, orthodontia, eye wear, personal technology, SAT study guides, ACT study guides, study guides for re-taking the SAT and the ACT, professional tutoring for the SAT and ACT, bribes to get college admissions officers to look the other way when they see the SAT and ACT scores, college tuition, college graduation costs, and a parental subsidy for the first post-college year as your offspring try to establish themselves. All things considered, the cost of raising a child to productive adulthood is comparable to the cost of the average space shuttle mission, but with far less chance of being featured on the national news. (Although, in an interesting coincidence, if you do have children it’s a good bet that just like the astronauts, they will lose one-hundred-thousand dollars worth of tools before they move out.)……

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NOTES:

• My new Twitter follower and correspondent Sam (The Money Geek) can be found at:
  http://twitter.com/themoneygeek
• Trish from Texas blogs about her life and experiences at:
  http://inmydreamsicantalk.blogspot.com

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and I blame Mother Nature. She’s decided that she doesn’t want anyone living in my part of the country any more, so she’s taken a page from the Slum Lord play book and is trying to run us all out by making the area uninhabitable. Slum Lords generally try underhanded tactics like turning off the heat or electricity so the building is cold and dark. Mother Nature has pummeled us with several thousand tons of snow so the state is cold and dark.

Less hardy souls might be tempted to move, but not me. I’ve decided to stay and fight. If you’d like to simulate my experience of living in a winter wonderland, try this simple experiment.

Go to the store and buy the biggest box of instant mashed potato flakes you can find. Dump the entire box into a tea cup. Clean up the mess using a sugar spoon while somebody periodically pours crushed ice down the back of your shirt. When you’re almost done, send your friend to the store for two or three more big boxes of potato flakes.

Really……

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NOTES: 

• As promised, the link below will take you to the “Stick Figures in Peril” photo pool on Flickr. (Be warned: Some of these are in dubious taste, but nearly all of them are hilarious.)
  http://tinyurl.com/zzbys

When it comes to selecting a tough and dangerous occupation, there are plenty to choose from; snow plow driver in Alaska, nuclear plant safety inspector, and the salesclerk in charge of convincing size twenty-four women that a size eight dress won’t stretch that much no matter how long they hold their breath. There’s one risky job that tops them all, though … Reality TV Cameraman.

I’m not talking about the folks who work on competition-based shows like Project Runway, Top Chef, or Judge Judy. Those kinds of programs are rough, but at least they take place in controlled environments like a fake loft, fake restaurant, or fake court room. The really dangerous shows are in the genre of wow-you-actually-do-that-for-a-living and include programs like Storm Chasers, The Deadliest Catch and (most frighteningly of all) Bridezillas.

The creation of reality television is a relatively recent broadcasting innovation. Young people will probably think I’m making this up, but in the early days of television, producers believed that they actually had to have a script and actors if they wanted to make a show. By today’s standards, that’s as quaint an idea as the buggy whip, the A.M. Radio, or only giving mortgages to people who might conceivably be able to pay them back…..

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NOTES: 

• Since I poked a little fun at Mike Rowe, it’s only fair that I point to his official Discovery Channel bio at:
  http://tinyurl.com/278f7y
• I mentioned the great Forgotten Classics blog. You can read more at:
  http://hcforgottenclassics.blogspot.com/

In terms of sheer tonnage, the United States it the world’s leading producer of weapons-grade bureaucracy. Nothing officially happens in this country until it’s been recorded on a complicated and mysteriously-named form, approved, counter-signed, and carried to its final resting place in a dusty filing cabinet. It’s not our fault, though. After all, the country was founded on a written document that was born in a committee, crafted by a series of votes, and signed by one guy who then turned it over to fifty-five of his friends so they could countersign it.

Building on that humble beginning, the United States has elevated bureaucracy to a art form. If bureaucracy were an Olympic event, the United States would be the hands-down winner in every competition. (Of course, given the difficulty involved in filling out the necessary “Permission to Train”, “Permission to Apply for Permission to Travel to the Site of Competition”, “Travel Pre-Authorization”, “Approval for Travel”, “Permission to Compete”, and “Permission for a Discrete Moment of Celebration Upon Achieving Victory” forms, we’d probably never have a competitor who actually made it to the games.)….
 

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NOTES: 

• As I mentioned in the episode, this particular essay was inspired by a series of ‘Tweets’ from GrammarGirl. You can find her on-line at:
  http://grammar.qdnow.com
• I wanted to thank Greg over at Dancing with Elephants for playing my promo. You can find out more aboug Greg, Tonya and the lads at:
  http://www.dancingwithelephants.com
• Finally, as promised, here is the link to the Futurama video that inspired the title of this episode:
  http://tinyurl.com/7xb2rh

So I said, “I don’t know. My commitment papers?”

“No. I keep those in the fire safe for when I really need them. What came today was a coupon to the home improvement store. If we spend fifty dollars, we get ten dollars off! It’s to get us started on a project.”

By us she meant me and by project she meant some-ill-conceived-poorly-executed-attempt-at-home-improvement-that-will-result-in-thousands-of-dollars-of-unplanned-repairs-and-marital-therapy.

I answered the only way I could, the way guys have answered for years, the one-size-fits-all of evasive answers; “I’m too busy right now.”

This might have been more convincing if I hadn’t been pushing past her to get the to TV remote when I said it….

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NOTES:

• A quick shout-out to fellow-podcaster and neighbor James B. Check out his site at:
  http://www.jamesb.com
• I met a new Twitter friend (Joshua Espinosa) who has a very impressive blog. You can find it at:
  http://thehavensc.com/
• Finally, I want to wish everyone a healthy and happy 2009!

I like to think of myself as an easy-going guy; relaxed, laid-back, and fun to be around. I’d actually be like that if I just didn’t have to deal with other people. Some people have bad joints that flare up in rainy weather. Others have sciatica that troubles them when it’s damp. Me? I have a streak of crankiness that comes on strong when people annoy me.

Like all of the blind people who have driver’s licenses.

Really.

I’ll be tooling along, rocking-out to some lost hit from my youth like Peter Schilling’s Coming Home (and hoping that nobody in the other cars can lip read) when some moron will try to change into my lane WHILE I’M STILL USING IT!…

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NOTES: 

• You can find my promo (and lots of really cool stuff) in episode #190 of Slice of SciFi:
  http://www.sliceofscifi.com
• You can find Jeff Hite at his blog/podcast at:
  http://greathites.blogspot.com
• Alert listeners might have caught my little nod to the incomparable Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog:
  http://www.drhorrible.com

There was a time in this country when having an MBA meant something. It was the symbol of an accomplished business leader, a mark of distinction, a sign that said, “this person was willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars and hours in pursuit of a piece of parchment.” Everybody wanted one and universities responded with a huge variety of mutant MBA programs — the Executive MBA, the MBA for Working Persons, the MBA for persons who don’t work, but would if they had an MBA, the MBA for NBA, the NASCAR MBA, and the MBA for the Criminally Insane. MBAs are now so common that some Universities are giving away one MBA with every regular graduation or cafeteria meal.

The American Businesses Leaders (at least those who are still employed) are saying, “Enough! If you â Mr. University President â want to distinguish your MBA program from the rest you’re going to have to shift to a new paradigm, think outside the box, and re-energize your core competencies.”

(Aside: Remember that the current world financial system was created and is maintained by people who talk just like this.)

What this really means is that MBA programs that want to survive are going to have to teach more than just buzzwords, they’ll have to focus on actual, useful, real-world business skills.

Like making believable excuses…

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NOTES: 

• As I mentioned, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists has elected to allow independent bloogers to join the organization. If you’d like to learn more, check out the NSNC website at:
  http://www.columnists.com/
• Another exciting thing I learned of this week was The Story Studio Chicago. You can learn more about that here:
  http://www.storystudiochicago.com/

Unfortunately, this made it appear that all of the episodes of Short Cummings Audio had been republished.  You may have seen old episodes re-appear in your feed reader or podcatcher.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

Watch for the annoucement in a few weeks, though.  It really is good news!

December 1 — It snowed today; first flakes of the season. Everything is blanketed in white and the whole world is magical. Even the simple act of shoveling brought a smile to my face and reminded me that Christmas is just around the corner. I think a quiet dinner party with friends would be just the thing. Must remember to talk to my wife about that.

Should probably also get her going on the shopping and whatnot. After all, it is Christmas.

December 5 — Iâm looking forward to the party even if my wife is less than enthusiastic. When I mentioned it to her she started to interrogate me about petty details like how many people I planned to invite and when I intended to hold this “little soiree”. Scrooge! I told her she needed to lighten up, Christmas is to be savored and experienced and not rushed through like a hundred-yard marathon!

I still need to talk to her about the cards and stuff, but today didn’t seem like the right time.

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NOTES: 

• I’m honored that Short Cummings Audio was among the podcasts chosen to be included in the list of shows featured at Lexy. You can find out more at:
  http://www.lexy.com
• As mentioned in the show, I’m very impressed with the work Jeff Hite is doing over on his blog.
  http://greathites.blogspot.com
• Finally, as promised, you can find SusieTheGeek’s “How To Grow Your Geek” podcast at:
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/

Being good with technology is like being the guy who owns a pickup truck; everybody wants to be your best friend when thereâs heavy lifting to be done. Face it, the question “Can you help me move?” is substantially the same as “Can you get my internet working?” The only real difference is that when you help somebody move, they’re more likely to provide pizza and pop at some point during the experience.

As the tech-guy, I’ve been called upon to rebuild computers, hook-up satellite television systems, and program VCR clocks so they stop flashing twelve. Once word of my mad skillz gets out in the neighborhood, it’s open season on my free time. If I lived next door to CERN, I would have been asked to help debug the Large Hadron Collider.

After all these years of being drafted to solve other people’s problems, it feels good to finally speak the truth and say … I don’t mind.

Really.

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NOTES: 

• At the end of the episode, I mentioned Tom Johnson’s technical writing blog. You can read the entry I mentioned at:
  http://tinyurl.com/5lvovr
• The voice coach we both went to is Scott Shurian. You can find him at:
  http://voscott.com/

As far as my cars are concerned, my primary function is to take them in for maintenance as often as possible. My mechanic shares their viewpoint, except he also sees me as the guy who pays for that maintenance. If I could figure out some way to extract myself from the middle of this arrangement, we’d all be a lot happier.

Except then I’d have no cars to drive, the cars wouldn’t have anyone to take them to the mechanic and the mechanic wouldn’t have all of my money. Actually, giving up those last two wouldn’t be bad. It’s the transportation thing that I can’t get past. Like most people in challenging relationships, I’ve decided to take the bad with the good.

My relationships with new cars are always full of hope and promise.

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NOTES: 

• At the end of the show, I told you about a Missionary blog that mentioned this show. You can find it at:
  http://camdunson.blogspot.com
• I also had a kind note from a listener in Harare, Zimbabwe. I was curious about the region and learned quite a bit here:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harare

Maybe it’s a bad case of nostalgia; or maybe it’s the fact that my kids are getting older; or maybe it’s because I canât afford the gas to drive to the edge of town. Whatever the reason, I’ve been thinking a lot about road trips lately.

A road trip is an express ticket out of your rut. Back home you may be bored with the routine. You know every local McDonald’s and Walmart and Radio Shack inside and out. A trip to a new town will expose you to new and exciting venues. Like early Presidential Primary Season, a road trip is positively stuffed with promises. Of course, when you arrive, you’ll find the new McDonald’s is pretty much like the old one; a “nice” Walmart is still a Walmart; and the inside of one Radio Shack is much like another.

A road trip isn’t about the destination, it’s about the journey.

Really….

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NOTES: 

• You can find me on Twitter at:
  http://www.twitter.com/kevinleec
• Tip o’ the hat to the folks at The Secret Lair podcast for linking to me:
  http://www.thesecretlair.com

In case you missed it, the world didn’t end when they turned on the Large Hadron Collider on September 10, 2008. It would be understandable if you missed this. The so-called major news outlets barely gave it a mention. They also routinely fail to report that the sun has risen or that no asteroids have hit the Earth today. They’re too busy reporting on trivial things like the the latest Hollywood gossip, the weather, and who won the Presidential Election.

Of course, as my correspondent called Mainframe points out, all of the news stories about the world’s biggest science fair project ignored the real question; is it a collider designed to work with large hadrons or is it a large collider designed to work with hadrons. This is the kind of ambiguity that makes the public suspicious of scientists. After all, if they can’t tell us what they’re actually building, why should we trust them?…

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NOTES: 

• You can find me on Twitter at:
  http://www.twitter.com/kevinleec
• The good folks at Dancing with Elephants are located at:
  http://www.dancingwithelephants.com
• Read my tech reviews (and lots of others) at:
  http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about the serious issue of the fiscal crisis in the United States. I’d like to, but I’m easily distracted so before I really got going I’d probably wind up talking about something entirely … hey! Do I smell pizza?

You see what I mean?

Years of excessive mental stimulation have left my attention span so withered it can’t hold any one idea for more than fifteen seconds. Even if I suffered from the illusion that I was qualified to write about the fiscal crisis, I’d have to start by doing research which would probably mean using the internet which would mean in about twenty-minutes you’d find me watching YouTube and singing along with the video of 99 Red Balloons…

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NOTES: 

• You can find Crystal Smallings’ Squint Squad podcast at:
  http://bonespodcast.mypodcast.com
  http://bonespodcast.livejournal.com
• Jeff Hite’s very interesting short fiction experiment is at:
  http://greathites.blogspot.com
• Rick Walton’s home on the web is:
  http://www.rickwalton.com
• Mette Ivie Harrison (and her wonderful books) can be found at:
  http://www.metteivieharrison.com

Scientists tell us that the make-believe games of small children are vital for normal psychological development. When children pretend to be something they’re not, it prepares them to be grown-ups who pretend to be something theyâre not; like the guy who has a chrome-plated skull-and-cross-bones and airbrushed flames on his scooter.

Does he really believe that a biker gang will take him seriously on a 250cc Vespa? No matter how many times he watches Easy Rider on DVD the chrome on his scooter wonât make him a biker any more than a pair of scrubs makes someone a doctor. The chrome is just a grown-up version of playing pretend.

Heâs like the rest of us; we all think we can fool most of the people most of the time.

Once you realize that everybody is playing make-believe all the time, itâs easy to spot the pretenders..

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NOTES: 

• Just one note this time. As I mentioned in the episode, if your inner-geek wants to play, check out all of the really cool stuff at:http://www.thinkgeek.com

  (I’m kind of partial to the plush zombies, myself.)

My sons are both skilled sleepers and I envy them. When they snooze — which is often — they throw themselves into the embrace of slumber with the same abandon that Billy Bob Thornton throws himself into marriage. Except they tend to sleep longer than Billy Bob stays married.

They are the only people I know that sleep intensely. Their enthusiasm for unconsciousness makes them easy marks for sleep, which is happy to reach out and drag them down.

For me, sleep is a timid little critter which must be enticed and snared and which is likely to turn and run at the slightest provocation.

Really…….

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NOTES: 

• If you haven’t listened to The Eclectic Review podcast, I encourage you to give it a try. You’ll find Stuart and Glory’s fascinating banter at:
  http://eclectic.libsyn.com
• Davis posted a nice comment over on the MyFavoriteShortcomings.com blog. You can find out more about Davis (and read his humor essays) at:
  http://fiftysomethingman.blogspot.com

If you’d like to follow me on Twitter, you can find my profile at:
http://www.twitter.com/kevinleec

• In case your own sleep experience is like mine, you might want to check out the tips for a good night’s sleep at:
  http://helpguide.org/life/sleep_tips.htm

The pioneers had a hard life. They had to deal with floods, fires, famines, and even the occasional wild animal. On the other hand, they didn’t have to worry about “Modern Conveniences.”

I spend about three hours a day dealing with the problems created by my convenient, high-tech appliances. It starts the minute I get up and put breakfast in the microwave. In the good old, pre-microwave days, I wouldn’t have even dared attempt a hot breakfast. I can only make eggs two ways–black or blacker. (Black is my favorite, it matches my toast.)

The microwave seduces me, though. It says, “I know you can cook in me. Any idiot can cook with a microwave. Just open the freezer and take out a package of ‘Bright and Chipper’ low-cholesterol, imitation eggs with strips of real-meat bacon. Two minutes and you’re done.”

Even though I know better, I’m convinced that this time I’ll get it right. I peel off the plastic wrap, put the cardboard tray in the microwave, press the buttons and read the headlines while I wait. The microwave beeps politely to tell me it’s done. I take out the tray and discover that my food has become one with the tray. In fact, except for a couple of vaguely bacon-shaped lumps, the tray looks completely empty……

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NOTES: 

• Just a reminder that the companion blog for this podcast (with full text of all of the essays) can be found at:
  http://www.myfavoriteshortcomings.com
• Special thanks to Nathan Shumate for an interesting conversation at MountainCon. You can find Nathan on-line at:
  http://www.tachyon-city.com
  http://www.coldfusionvideo.com

The subject of today’s essay is … ummm … bear with me … I have some notes here somewhere … just let me … no, not there … maybe over here? Nope, that’s a recipe for Haggis; must remember to try that someday. I need to add sheep’s stomach to my shopping list which is right here under this library book … I wonder what the fine comes to after two decades?

I’m not disorganized. That would imply that at some point I was organized and things had just gotten away from me. You know, like when a politician or celebrity appears tearfully on television to explain that their latest DUI/affair/physical-assault-on-a-press-photographer was completely out of character and came as the result of stress.

No. I’m completely, chaotically, consistently organizationally challenged. When I’m installing new software and the computer has a blank for “Organization” I enter “Who, me?”…..

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NOTES: 

• I’m pleased to announce that the scripts for all of the old episodes are available at my new blog at:
  http://www.myfavoriteshortcomings.com
• In response to episode #117, Dave posted a very funny comment. You can read it here:
  http://tinyurl.com/4j5cru
• Dave also pointed me to the Easy Racers website which sells some cool bikes. Really.
  http://www.easyracers.com
• Join the conversation with me over at Twitter. You’ll find my profile at:
  http://www.twitter.com/kevinleec

We certainly have it better than our ancestors of just two or three millenia ago.

Really.

They lived under governments which were poorly organized and given to inconsistent policies and illogical action. We have … wait a minute. Let me start again.

They lived at the mercy of the elements, risking disaster and death as a result of uncaring nature. We … um … let me try this one more time.

When they were ill and needed a cure, they had to consult with an oracle. We have have doctors. You see, I was right. Things really are better…..

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NOTES: 

• First of all, a big thank-you to Sheila Dee for sharing a photograph of Tabitha Smith accepting the Parsec for me. Sheila is a great photographer and jewelry artist. You can find out more at her web-site:
  http://onthecreativeside.com
• In terms of style, this particular episode owes a debt to one of my favorite podcasts, Griddlecakes Radio. You can find out more (and, of course, listen to episodes) at:
  http://www.griddlecakes.com/
• Finally, for the real scoop on Oracles, you can read an article here:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oracle

The U.S government has announced the date for doomsday. It’s February 17, 2009. That’s the day that your old TV — bringer of entertainment and enlightenment — switches from planned programming to endless static. No more talk shows where the on-stage guests have IQs resembling shoe sizes; no more shows with three-letter acronyms like CSI, SVU, PSI, or QVC; no more product commercials in which people discuss their disgusting personal problems over lunch with friends; no more political commercials in which candidates discuss their opponentâs disgusting personal problems over a microphone with America; no more … well, anything. Just static.

Which, might not be so bad. Except that the point of this essay is that it will be bad, so let me return to my point….

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NOTES: 

• As I mentioned in the episode, the switch to DTV is going to happen. You can learn more (and get a coupon for a discount on two convertor boxes) at these sites:
  http://www.dtv.gov/consumercorner.html
  https://www.dtv2009.gov/
• On Monday, September 15, 2008 the nomination process for the Podcast Awards opened. If you’d like to see Short Cummings Audio in the running (which is a great way to get more exposure for the show, help grow the audience, and support the production), please consider nominating Short Cummings Audio at:
  http://www.podcastawards.com

People don’t like to change. They don’t want to change their religion, political party, or (in the case of adolescent males) their T-shirts. They’ll cling to their beliefs (or their ratty, stained eighties-vintage T-shirts) until their dying day.

Much of human history is really about the struggle to get people to change; whether it was the Conquistadors trying to get the natives of the Americas to change from being gold hoarders to being dead people, the American Revolutionaries trying to get the British to change from being soldiers to being dead people, or the owners of the Titanic trying to get people to change from being passengers to being dead people. With survival at stake so often, it’s no surprise people resist change.

Which is why I reacted so strongly when I had to pick a new breakfast cereal….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• If you’d like a little actual nutrional information about breakfast cereals, you can check out these pages:
  http://www.healthcastle.com/breakfast-cereals.shtml
  http://www.acaloriecounter.com/breakfast-cereal.php
• On Monday, September 15, 2008 the nomination process for the Podcast Awards opens. If you’d like to see Short Cummings Audio in the running (which is a great way to get more exposure for the show, help grow the audience, and support the production), please consider nominating Short Cummings Audio at:
  http://www.podcastawards.com

Pop quiz, hotshot. Gas costs a little more than four dollars a gallon. Kevin’s rattletrap minivan gets a little less than twenty miles to the gallon. The drive to work is exactly nine-point-nine miles each way. What do you do?

That’s the question I’ve been wrestling with. I pay four dollars a day for the round-trip to my place of semi-involuntary-servitude. The most tempting response is to quit work, but my wife has a violent emotional reaction every time I broach the subject of an income-free lifestyle. The less tempting responses include public transit or bicycling.

I’m in favor of public transit in theory, but opposed to it in practice. Like most people, I believe that public transit is a good idea for the public which is a term applied to anyone who isn’t me.

No car? No bus? That leaves bicycling………

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• I write these essays about two months before I record them. So, since I originally put pen to paper, I’ve upgraded my bike. You can read all about the kind of bike I bought at:
  http://tinyurl.com/5h648m
• I’ve picked up some useful tips and interesting news at the Bike Commuter Tips blog. You’ll find it at:
  http://bikecommutetips.blogspot.com
• A great site for information about bicycling as an alternative to driving is the 1 World 2 Wheels site. Check it out at:
  http://www.1world2wheels.org/
• I was pleased to find out that I have a listener in Singapore. She even linked to this site from her blog. You can find out more at:
  http://nekoscratchpad.blogspot.com/
• As I mentioned in the episode, Short Cummings Audio was selected as the Comedy/Parody winner at the Parsec Awards. You can find out more at:
  http://www.parsecawards.com/node/542

I wish I were an evil genius. My wife says I don’t qualify … on either count. Which is exactly the kind of snippy comment I wouldnât have to tolerate if I were an evil genius.

Take a look at a really good, top-level evil genius like Goldfinger or Dr. Drakken or that guy who invented the shrink-wrap on CDs. With their success in the art of evil, they have entire staffs of thugs and minions and henchmen to keep their various other thugs, minions and henchmen in line. As a middle-manager I’m not allowed to have a single minion, let alone a henchman or thug. (It turns out that HR has all of these fussy rules against job descriptions which include the words “kill”, “maim” or “at the whim of your supervisor”.)

Still, it’s kind of fun to daydream what it would be like to be the head of an evil organization……..

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• This particular essay was inspired by Joss Whedon’s hilarious (and surprisingly touching) web mini-series Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Please note thatt there’s some grown-up content and parents probably ought to preview it before they share it with their younger children. You can find out more at:
  http://www.drhorrible.com/
• As I mentioned in the show, the winners of the Podcast Peer Awards have been named. You can see all of the finalist and winners here:
  http://www.podcastpeers.org/winnersPPA5.html
• I’m particularly pleased that TechTalkForFamilies won an award. You can learn more (and read some of the reviews that I’ve been writing) at:
  http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Tags: humor essay | funny story | evil | corporation | comedy 

If there’s a better way to spend a Saturday morning than hiking halfway up a mountain and crawling into a hole in the ground, I donât know what it is.

Honestly.

Donât you think if Iâd have had a better idea I would have been doing it? Instead, one recent Saturday found me standing halfway between heaven and earth getting ready to crawl into…well, into a really dark place.

The dark place in question is a popular Utah tourist destination called Timpanogos Cave. It is conveniently located a dozen or so miles up a winding canyon road. Tourists who are brave enough to drive to the Visitorâs Center are rewarded with the opportunity for a mile-and-a-half hike up the mountainside to the cave entrance. You would think that a tourist destination would have been better planned; like Stonehenge which the druids thoughtfully constructed right beside a major highway…….
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Timpanogos Cave really is beautiful and worth visiting. You can learn more about it at these websites:
  http://www.nps.gov/tica/
  http://www.utah.com/nationalsites/timp_cave.htm
• In addition to being a Park Ranger, our guide Kory is an accomplished caver. His brother Brandon is too. Some of Brandon’s extraordinary cave photos can be found at:
  http://www.brandonkowallis.com/Images.htm
• I’d like to give a quick shout-out to listener Lauralee and point you to her blog at:
  http://www.monkeylauralee.blogspot.com/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | cave | spelunking | comedy 

Last week I realized that I can spend an entire day on the telephone and never have to speak to an actual human being.

Really.

After I’d returned a half-dozen voice-mail messages with tag-youâre-it-style replies, I tried calling to check on an order I’d placed and got to play Phone Menu Cryptography. It’s the game where the computer on the telephone gives you a menu of mysterious and useless choices and you have to puzzle out which one will get you closer to your goal of talking to an actual human being. Indiana Jones, Robert Langdon and Benjamin Franklin Gates combined couldn’t have worked their way through the process in anything less than a week. I gave up in a mere four hours reasoning that I’d feel foolish if I was still waiting on the phone when the package arrived.

This whole phenomenon of replacing unsatisfactory person-to-person interactions with unsatisfactory person-to-machine interactions started with the phone company. They used to have real people to talk to you. They were sometimes rude and insensitive, but at least they were real people……
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• While researching this episode (yes…I actually research some of my topics) I came across this blog post:
  http://tinyurl.com/5t2ukg
• It points to a really, really useful site here:
  http://www.gethuman.com/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | telephone | customer service | comedy 

It’s gotten so that I’m afraid to turn on the TV. Every time I do, they’re waiting for me; enticing me with promises of new and interesting relationships, exotic locations, and complicated plots. I’m speaking, of course, of the new Fall TV line-up and I just can’t get involved in another series right now.

When I was younger, television was just for fun. I could pick up a new show mid-season, have a good time with it for an episode or two, and then drop it in favor of a new show.

Comedies — shows like All in the Family, Three’s Company or C-SPAN — always had the same basic plot even though the cast changed over time except for cartoon characters like Fred Flinstone and Tip O’Neil. You could count on TV to be as solid and stable as the dollar…..

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• If you are (like me) a fan of television and you want to read really insightful (and frequently biting) reviews, check out Television Without Pity:
  http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/index.php
• One of the best places to find TV on the web is at Hulu. They have full episodes of lots of your favorite shows and they’ll play right in your browser.
  http://www.hulu.com
• The voting in the Podcast Peer Awards is nearly over. You can see how I’m doing (and vote if you’re a podcaster) at:
  http://tinyurl.com/56e3g6
  http://tinyurl.com/6hluzm

Tags: humor essay | funny story | television | commitment | comedy 

When a couple makes the sad decision to get divorced, a nice judge helps them divide up their property. If they choose to stay married, they get no such help and have to settle ownership on their own.

You would think that dividing up property with your significant other would be simple; stack all of your worldly possessions out on the lawn and take turns claiming them the way you chose-up sides in kickball.

“I choose … DVD player!”

Of course, your beloved couldn’t let a choice like that go unanswered and would immediately say, “I choose fifty-two inch plasma TV with HDMI, 1080p, 1040EZ, and EIEIO for enhanced color…” Before you could protest, she’d add, “…and all of the cables.”

Sure, after that you’d get to claim your video-game console, but it just wouldn’t be the same without the big screen to play it on. Maybe the answer is a pre-nuptial agreement which specifies how the property will be divided during the marriage….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Just in case my little joke about a Rush concert shirt made you nostalgic for the good old days, you can buy shirts at:
  http://www.star500.com/store/customer/home.php?cat=1326
• This program has been nominated in two different categories in the Podcast Peer Awards — Short and Comedy. If you’re a podcaster and would be willing to support the show, I’d appreciate your votes.
  http://tinyurl.com/56e3g6
  http://tinyurl.com/6hluzm

Tags: humor essay | funny story | community property | marriage | comedy 

When I realized I was indisputably sick, I recognized the perfect opportunity to gain sympathy points from my wife.

“It hurts,” I said. “A lot. I think itâs pretty serious.” “It’s an ear ache,” she said.

With the sympathy meter reading dangerously close to empty, I sought the advice of a qualified medical professional. She confirmed that it was “just” an ear ache and that I was a good candidate for a full recovery.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Yeah. It’s just a mild case of otitis externa.”

Otitis externa? Wasn’t that the “ear curse” in Harry Potter and the Maintenance of Health Organization?…
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Otitis Externa is more commonly known as swimmer’s ear:
  http://www.aafp.org/afp/20010301/927.html
• This program has also been nominated in two different categories in the Podcast Peer Awards — Short and Comedy. If you’re a podcaster and would be willing to vote for me, I’d appreciate the support. Of course, as I noted in the episode, there are a lot of great shows in both of those categories so you can’t possibly go wrong no matter how you vote. The links are here:
  http://tinyurl.com/56e3g6
  http://tinyurl.com/6hluzm

Tags: humor essay | funny story | earache | guys | comedy 

Big brother is watching you. And so is big sister. Uncle Henry’s in on the act, too. It’s getting hard to go anywhere without running into a nut with a video camera of some sort.

A typical daycare music recital looks more like a press conference than a kidâs program. The presidential candidates would give up half of their remaining brain cells for the kind of video coverage those toddlers get. Maybe the Constitution should be changed to limit nominees to candidates who can belt out I’m A Little Teapot off key.

Most of the camcorders are run by men. This goes back to the traditional male role which was established in the distant past when human beings lived in caves instead of suburbs. Prehistoric women stayed at the cave and cared for the children while their mates wandered the plains tracking and video taping animals…
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• I’ll confess. A lot of what I wrote in this episode was really about me. I’m a huge video geek, even though I can’t afford all of the gear I’d like. When I do want to buy gear (or just go on a virtual window-shopping trip) I like to surf to B&H Photo/Video:
  http://www.bhphotovideo.com/
• I’m delighted that Short Cummings Audio has been nominted for a Parsec Award. To learn more about the awards, check out this page:
  http://www.parsecawards.com/
• This program has also been nominated in two different categories in the Podcast Peer Awards — Short and Comedy. If you’re a podcaster and would be willing to vote for me, I’d appreciate the support. Of course, as I noted in the episode, there are a lot of great shows in both of those categories so you can’t possibly go wrong no matter how you vote. The links are here:
  http://tinyurl.com/56e3g6
  http://tinyurl.com/6hluzm

Tags: humor essay | funny story | video | camcorder | comedy 

When I got a note in the mail saying I needed to renew my driver’s license, I wasn’t worried. After all, I’ve been driving since I was sixteen. All I had to do was take a quick written exam, get a bad picture taken, and I’d be done. Right?

When I got to the DMV, my immediate thought was, “WOW! Lookit all the people…they must be giving away thousand dollar bills inside.”

I was wrong. Inside, I found twenty-two service windows, two employees and a line which appeared to contain the entire population of Ogallala, Nebraska. I took my place at the end.

Grimly, like Soviets waiting five hours for the chance to buy half a roll of industrial-grade toilet paper, we stood in line. Unlike the Russians, we weren’t relieved when we got to the front of the queue…….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• If you’ve got a teen driver (or a soon-to-be driver) I recommend the Driver-ZED training. We used it with both of our sons and were pleased at how it helped increase their awareness of safety on the road. You can find out more at:
  http://www.driverzed.org/home/
• If you are interested in learning more about being an organ donor, check out the U.S. Government’s website at:
  http://www.organdonor.gov/
• Finally, don’t forget the ‘organ’ you can donate right now…blood.
  http://www.redcross.org/donate/give/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | driving | safety | comedy 

For the first time in twenty-five years I have a new hairstyle. For a quarter century I’ve been faithful to a basic short-bangs, parted-on-the-right, square-backed haircut. It was a simple look; a serious look; a look that said, “I’m clueless about fashion.”

If they had named my hairstyle, it would have been called The Republican.

Some masculine hairstyles are named for the people who made them popular like The Caesar or The Donald. (One is a famous tyrant and the other was a Roman Emperor.) My new do with itâs short-back-and-sides and gelled bangs that stick out should be called The Richie Rich after the famous comic-book character.

When I got that first good look at myself in the mirror in the salon, all I could think was, “What have I done?” and “Will my wife like it?”……

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Join me in the Dr. Floyd 2008 Summer Reading Challenge! You can get all of the details here:
  http://www.doctorfloyd.com/challenge
• Or join my Shelfari group at:
  http://www.shelfari.com/groups/25751/about
• In this episode I used a quick throw-away joke about accidentally xeriscaping my front yard. For more info on this interesting word, check out Grammar Girl’s essay at:
  http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/xeriscape-zeroscape.aspx
• If you’re interested in actual hairstyles, you can check out the Wikipedia entry at:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_style

Tags: humor essay | funny story | hair | haircut | comedy 

It’s June and I think we all know what that means … endless summer reruns of cop shows we didnât watch, comedies we didnât watch, and (or course) the interminable political debates that weâre still not watching.

Fortunately, the annual glut of June weddings gives an amusing diversion from the relentless, wall-to-wall election coverage. Like all newlyweds these poor folks are probably getting that that most common of wedding gifts; unsolicited advice.

I, myself, was given at least two metric tons worth of advice that I didnât ask for. The trouble with advice is that — unlike an extra Salad Shooter or spare blender — you can’t exchange it for something more useful. You just have to take it or toss it aside. (Hint: People who give you advice really want to see you use it. So, when you toss it aside, do so quietly and in a dark alley where they wonât be able to see you.)……
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Join me in the Dr. Floyd 2008 Summer Reading Challenge! You can get all of the details here:
  http://www.doctorfloyd.com/challenge
• If you want to follow what I’m reading (I can’t believe I’m sharing my low-brow tastes with the rest of the world), join my Shelfari group at:
  http://www.shelfari.com/groups/25751/about
• Finally, for some actual good advice on marriage (and tons of interesting links) check out:
  http://www.smartmarriages.com

Tags: humor essay | funny story | marriage | argument | comedy 

At this very moment a hidden crisis is raging out of control across the United States. It is a shortage of gigantic proportions; an epidemic that touches millions of lives. The problem? A complete, and devastating lack of clues.

In cities ranging from Albany to Barstow and all of the letters in-between, men, women, and children are getting up without a clue; going about their daily lives without a clue; and finally falling into bed at night without a clue. In short, they are all clueless.

Here at the CummingsCo Research Laboratories, we are committed to the fight against cluelessness. Teams of dedicated scientists and engineers have pledged their efforts to develop cutting-edge technology to stem the tide of cluelessness; technology which will improve the lives of Mr. and Mrs. America; technology which we will sell direct to you at reasonable prices……

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Thanks to Nash and Shahar for publishing one of my stories in Engage magazine. You can find out more at:
  http://www.engagemag.net
  http://www.buzzbooster.com
• Jeffrey Hite’s interesting new blog/podcast Great Hites is at:
  http://greathites.blogspot.com
• And the Instructional Technology Blog I mentioned is at:
  http://moagueros.edublogs.org

Tags: humor essay | funny story | clue | clueless | comedy 

I didn’t want to let the second anniversary of the show pass without comment.

In this very brief episode you’ll find out how to get some cool, free Short Cummings Audio content for your cell-phone.

You’ll find samples in the podcast and the details at:
http://www.myxer.com/scaudio

Thanks for listening and, as always, take good care of yourself!

Eight years ago my wife and I took leave of our senses and began to shovel great piles of money directly into the trash. Actually, we bought a boat, but saying that just makes us sound stupid.

Our reasons for joining the ranks of amateur sailors were simple and logical. My wife grew up in a family that sailed recreationally; a family that could turn a weather-eye to the clouds and chart the best course to avoid a coming storm; a family that felt utterly at home on the water. For my part, I thought sailing looked really cool.

The boat was our fifteenth anniversary gift to one another. In my wifeâs family, it was tradition for the grateful husband to gift his long-suffering spouse with a one-carat diamond ring on the occasion of fifteen years of wedded bliss. My wife teasingly reminded me of this every three days starting just after our fourteenth wedding anniversary. Like most guys facing a costly obligation, I responded by changing the subject.

Until the day she said, ‘I donât want a diamond, I want a boat.’

Did I marry well or what?…..

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• The boat in question was a 1981 MacGregor 25′. You can see a whole gallery of boats like mine at:
  http://tinyurl.com/3mle9j
• Want to learn to sail? You can pick-up the basics on-line for free at:
  http://www.macgregor.net/sailing/SailGame.html.
• If that whets your appetite for a more sophisticated sailing experience, you might want to check out ‘Virtual Sailor’ at:
  http://www.hangsim.com/vs/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | boat | sailing | sailboat | comedy 

Last week an acquaintance of mine had to endure two days of medically necessary bed rest. The official diagnosis was a badly-strained back. However, given that the injury occurred when he jumped out of a perfectly functional airplane to celebrate his forty-fifth birthday, I think a more accurate diagnosis would have been ‘Testosterone poisoning’.

For those of you who didn’t enjoy the benefit of taking Mr. Tovey’s eleventh-grade biology class, let me explain Testosterone. Testosterone is a ‘hormone’ which is a type of chemical that acts in the body the same way a bicycle messenger acts on the streets of Manhattan. Hormones race around with great urgency delivering messages that generally cause chaos and confusion. Testosterone is the king of causing confusion. It is the chemical antidote to intelligence……

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• As promised in the episode, here’s a link to the actual study done by actual scientists at Cambridge University:
  http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=179624
• You can read about the Stanford/Northwestern study at:
  http://cbs5.com/education/sex.money.study.2.692567.html.
• Finally (and completely unrelated to the show) may I recommend the Dancing With Elephants podcast:
  http://www.dancingwithelephants.com/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | testosterone | guys | risk | comedy 

If I held a press conference right now, it would sound like this.

Thank-you all for coming. I will keep my remarks brief and I will not be taking questions. I’d like to being by apologizing to my wife for any pain my actions may have caused. It was never my intention to hurt or embarrass her in any way. I admit it was all my fault. I was the one who signed us up for the Ballroom Dancing class.

I should have known better. My gift for dancing is on a par with Britney Spears’ talent for parenting. When I attended high school dances, people who saw me in action rushed to help me in the mistaken belief that I was suffering a massive seizure. The wild way I flailed my arms reinforced their belief, but also kept them from getting close enough to render any actual aid.

Once I was safely past the age of compulsory public dancing, I hung up my shoes and settled in for more sedentary pursuits like unsynchronized channel surfing and free form snacking. These were areas in which I could demonstrate some measure of competence, areas where I could hold my own, areas which wouldn’t make me look like an electrician trying to jerk a screwdriver out of a live electrical socket.

Yet, not long ago, I myself enrolled us in a Ballroom Dance class…..

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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NOTES: 

• Want to learn Ballroom Dancing? There’s a great starter site at:
  http://www.ballroomdancers.com/
• Or, if you’re in the United States, you can learn more by joining USA Dance:
  http://usadance.org/.
• In this episode I tossed in a little throwaway joke about playing a pennywhistle in front of the Washington Monument. Listeners who are familiar with the work of the great comic author Herge might have recognized it. Herge was the creator of the incomparable Tintin adventures. Read more at:
  http://tintin.francetv.fr/index.html#home/une.swf&lang=uk/

Tags: humor essay | funny story | dance | ballroom | dance lessons | comedy 

From the moment the alarm clock interrupts my inadequate night’s sleep to the moment I drift off in front of the TV while the frowny-faced anchorperson tries to scare me to death with actual news, I am at the mercy of the clock. My high-tech computer-based day planner assigns different colors to different appointments. It looks like someone gave a toddler a paint ball gun and pointed him at my screen. The occasional, tiny sliver of white shows a few precious, unbooked moments.

And it’s not just work.

My ‘free time’ — which is only free in the sense that I donât get paid for what I do during those hours — is filled with engagements and obligations and errands … all of which absorb my life the way the blob absorbed most of Steve McQueen’s hometown.

The only way to keep up is to do everything with the feverish intensity of an espresso-fueled chipmunk….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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DON’T FORGET!

My new book My Favorite Shortcomings is now available. You can purchase a copy for $6.99 or download the free electronic version. All of the details can be found at:

http://libsyn.com/static/shortcummingsaudio/book.html

NOTES: 

• If you want to listen to a somewhat more respectful podcast about the Magic Kingdom, I’d suggest Window to the Magic. You can find the podcast, forums and all sorts of cool info at:
  http://www.windowtothemagic.com/
• And speaking of the Disney parks, there is a program which will allow you to schedule your visit down to the minute and maximize your ride time. You find it at:
  http://www.ridemax.com
• Finally, as I mentioned, I’m part of the writing staff at Tech Talk for Families now. You can find all sorts of great, family-friendly tech info at:
  www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Tags: humor essay | funny story | vacation | schedule | Disneyland | comedy 

My house rings with the rockinâ sound-track of Guitar Hero III … except when Iâm playing. Then it sort of grinds along like a snail on a cheese grater.

For those of you unfamiliar with the Guitar Hero video game franchise — both of you — let me fill you in. Guitar Hero is a game in which you can rock out just like Eddie Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix or Peter Tork … if any of them had played a plastic guitar with brightly-colored buttons and no strings. Clever players are rewarded with simulated applause from the simulated crowd in the simulated rock club. Bad players…well, until I played, my family didnât know that the simulated crowd could boo you off-stage in a very real way.

My performance was so bad the game refused to let me finish. I had to hand the little plastic guitar to another (better) player.

I found this a little odd because in High School I was an absolutely awesome air guitar player. At the drop of a hat, I could crank out a rendition of the Immigrant Song that would bring tears to people’s eyes…

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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DON’T FORGET!

My new book My Favorite Shortcomings is now available. You can purchase a copy for $6.99 or download the free electronic version. All of the details can be found at:

http://libsyn.com/static/shortcummingsaudio/book.html

NOTES: 

• For more information about all things Guitar Hero (including tournaments in your area … tournaments I won’t be competing in) check the official Guitar Hero homepage:
  http://www.guitarhero.com/
• As I mentioned in the episode, I’ve started writing reviews for the Tech Talk For Families website. You can find my review of Endless Ocean at:
  http://tinyurl.com/62fm4v
• The root site for Tech Talk for Families is at:
  www.techtalkforfamilies.com

Tags: humor essay | funny story | guitar hero | kids | video games | comedy 

According to the excessively capitalized and exclamation-point-laden e-mail I received last week, I! CAN EARN A DEGREE! RIGHT NOW! FOR WORK EXPERIENCE I’VE! ALREADY! HAD! Unlike your traditional university which requires students to waste time studying and learning, the people who sent me the e-mail recognize the value of my forced participation in the School of Hard Knocks. Over the years I’ve messed up assignments, missed deadlines, made bad decisions and (on occasion) backed the wrong horse, candidate, political party, or fashion choice. I’d always assumed those were moments of shame, but now I can see them for what they really were…learning experiences; experiences that entitle me to a Ph.D. in Individual Life Management. All I have to do is submit a one-time processing fee of three-hundred fifty dollars.

I’m a little skeptical. I’m not sure I’ve had a doctoral-degree’s-worth of life experiences. What if they decide not to give me the degree after I send them the check?

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure that my wife — and, in fact, all moms — qualify easily. In the eighteen-plus years she’s been a mom my wife has had extensive, on-the-job training in arts, psychology, chemistry, mathematics, literature, English, emergency medicine, small animal veterinary care, fashion design, and counseling…
 

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

My new book My Favorite Shortcomings is now available. You can purchase a copy for $6.99 or download the free electronic version. All of the details are available at:

http://libsyn.com/static/shortcummingsaudio/book.html

NOTES: 

• Want to know more about Mother’s Day around the world?
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother%27s_Day
• The book Too Many Bunnies really is a classic. If you haven’t read it, check out the author’s website at:
  http://www.rickwalton.com

Tags: humor essay | funny story | mom | motherhood | mother’s day | comedy

Americans have a lot to worry about right now.

There’s the mortgage industry which must have switched to an all alcohol diet and decided that it made perfect sense to loan people more money than they would actually earn in their lifetimes. Foreclosure is now the only growth industry in the financial sector and the fastest selling homes feature the words ‘Kenmore’, ‘Whirlpool’, and ‘Refrigerator’ prominently on their cardboard sides.

There’s the price of gas which is rising so quickly the entire Theoretical Mathematics Department at Harvard has been hired for the sole task of keeping track of oil company profits. One more increase in the cost of sweet crude and it will be cheaper to power our cars with Chanel Number Five.

Combined, these problems are giving rise to a recession which will stop the U.S. economy the way a concrete barrier stops a speeding car.

There is one bright spot, though. America leads the world in caffeine delivery technology as measured by the total amount of square footage devoted to Starbucks stores. If all of the stores were put right next to each other â I mean even more than they are now â they would cover an area approximately the size of Dallas, only with a faint coffee odor and a Norah Jones soundtrack….

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• For a very funny take on coffee drinking, I’d suggest you go and listen to Comedy4Cast episode #132. Actually, Clinton is a pretty funny guy. If you haven’t been listening to Comedy4Cast you should go back and listen to all of them! But start with episode #132.
  www.comedy4cast.com
• Interested in supporting the ‘Fair Trade Coffee’ movement? Check here:
  www.fairtradecoffee.org
• Much of the history that I demolished in this essay came from the Wikipedia. You can find the root article on coffee here:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee

Tags: humor essay | funny story | coffee | caffeine | starbucks | comedy

I pity the Presidential candidates. It’s not easy being them.

For starters, they live on the road twenty-four-seven. A life of travel sounds exciting until you realize that most of the time they are ending up in desolate, barely civilized places like East Armpit, New Jersey, Rattlesnake Acres, Nevada, and Kansas City. (Special note to readers in Kansas City: Not your Kansas City … the other one.)

When they arrive they have to pretend to enjoy the local cuisine. Again, sounds interesting until you find out the local cuisine includes Auntie May’s special rutabaga bouillabaisse, pig snout sandwiches or haggis. (Special note to readers in Scotland: Not your haggis … the other kind.)

No matter where they go, the candidates have to pose for photo ops wearing fixed smiles so rigidly indestructible that they can only be removed by specially trained teams of plastic surgeons. The other folks in these photos are always minor local celebrities like the Kumquat Queen, City Mayor or the Vice President of the United States. (Special note to readers who are Dick Cheney: Not you … the other Vice President of the United States.)… 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• If you’d like comprehensive coverage of the U.S. Presidential Election for 2008, I suggest NPR:
  http://www.npr.org/templates/topics/topic.php?topicId=1102#/primaries/.
• Did the mention of haggis whet your appetite? Check out this comprehensive web page about the famed Scottish dish:
  http://www.smart.net/~tak/haggis.html
• The Wikipedia defines “spin” as a polite synonym for “propaganda”:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spin_(public_relations).

Tags: humor essay | funny story | pr | spin | election | comedy

The Olympic Games represent the best in human endeavor. The spirit of friendly competition, the years of training, and the satisfaction of seeing our athletes overcome competitors who live in countries where indoor plumbing is a luxury item. It’s a time of special pride for Americans and I’m sure you share my sentiment when I say, “Just how many commercials can they put in one hour?”

Every company in America (and a few from beyond our shores) is planning to cash in on the games. There’s an official car, an official swim suit, an official shoe, and an official soft-drink. I’ll bet there’s even an official nasal spray and an official liquid drain cleaner.

Of course that’s not what the Olympics is about. The Olympics is about competition. That means yet another “Dream Team.” As Americans it is our duty to watch the U.S.A. basketball team play. It doesn’t matter that the results sound more like blood-pressure readings than basketball scores. (”122 over 36–Your systolic is good, but your diastolic is a little low.”) It doesn’t matter that it’s like watching the L.A. Lakers play the Richard M. Nixon Middle School team. What matters is that you get to watch a team whose total annual income is larger than the gross national product of most of the countries they play…

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• Although I teased about the Olympics in this episode, I really do have great respect for the amateur athletes who work so hard to compete and the many people organize and execute the games. You can learn more about the history and organization of the Olympic movement at its official website:
  http://www.olympic.org.
• If you’d like to find out about the athletes representing the United States this year, check out the U.S. Olympic Team home page:
  http://www.usoc.org/
• Finally, please do consider subscribing to Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing. It’s a great podcast and you should also consider subscribing to her free e-mail news letter. You can find info on both at:
  http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com.

Tags: humor essay | funny story | olympics | competition | guys | comedy

I help my wife with the grocery shopping approximately every eight or nine months. That’s about how long it takes her to forget what happened the last time I helped her.

When it comes to the weekly run to the Giganto-Mart, we have very different approaches. My wife likes to make a menu, prepare a list, and then stick to it. I, on the other hand, like to make a menu, prepare a list, and then buy whatever catches my eye.

Her approach has the benefit of letting her feel virtuous; she’s planning and shopping methodically. My approach has the benefit of letting me feel virtuous (I’m planning methodically) and spontaneous (I’m buying whatever I want!) Sadly, there’s no easy way to reconcile our two different approaches. The best my wife can do is hope to contain me.

She usually does this by sending me off in search of a specific item â canned beans, vinegar, boiled snipe â whatever she thinks will keep me occupied for the longest amount of time. The more intense the quest, the less likely I am to be distracted by … oooh! Look at the new flavors of soda!…

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NOTES: 

• My wife doesn’t really send me hunting snipe, but if you’re interested in the origin of the phrase, check out this article:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snipe_hunt
• The line about “smart guy” was my homage to the great Steve Martin film Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid. It’s not a family film, but it’s very funny in its own demented way. You can read more at:
  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083798/
• If you’d like to follow me on Twitter (where I try to post a note or two while I’m writing or producing), you’ll find me at:
  http://twitter.com/kevinleec

Tags: humor essay | funny story | shopping | groceries | husband | comedy

There was a time when I didn’t fear food. I ate with gusto and abandon (and occasionally a knife, fork, and napkin) without worrying about the consequences. That was before I understood calories.

Like many of the unpleasant facts of modern living â nuclear weapons, greenhouse gases, reality television, etc. â calories were discovered by scientists who meddled in things man was not meant to know. Or, at least, things this man didn’t want to know.

Indulging in a fast-food burger and fries became a lot less fun when I realized I was consuming two day’s worth of calories and a week’s worth of fat and salt.

If the universe was fair, the size of food items would have some correlation to the number of calories they contained; carrot sticks would be toothpick-sized, baked-potatoes would resemble small beach balls, and burgers would have to be borne about on litters carried by six strong men. When you dared to order one of the frothy, creamy, sugary drinks at your local coffee house it would be delivered in a convenient fifty-five gallon drum.

If the universe was fair…
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• There’s a joke in this episode which is a reference to the video game Portal. For his 17th birthday, my son wanted a Portal-themed cake. You can see the very cool cake my wife made at:
  http://www.flickr.com/photos/kevinleec/sets/72157604129898070/
• The other part of the cake joke was an homage to the incomparable Bill Cosby. Check him out on his official website at:
  http://www.billcosby.com/
• If you’re interested in caloric information for restaurants (and other meals) check out Calorie King at:
  http://www.calorieking.com/foods/
• In this episode I made a joke about the Tokyo subway. If you’d like to get some insight into the real experience of living in Tokyo, I’d encourage you to listen to Scott Lockman’s outstanding podcast Tokyo Calling at:
  http://www.tokyocalling.org.

Tags: humor essay | funny story | food | calories | dieting | comedy

I have it on good authority that the furnace repairman will be at my house sometime between the hours of five a.m. and midnight today.

I couldn’t be more thrilled. With the daytime high temps lower than the voting age in most states, this was precisely the wrong time for my furnace to develop an attitude. At the tender age of twelve, it began acting like a spoiled teenager. My polite request for heat was met with the sound of a heavy, frustrated sigh reverberating through the heat ducts and a blast of cold air from the vents.

Whether you’re dealing with a willful teen or a reluctant machine, the approach is the same â repeatedly flick the reset switch. Except that teens don’t have reset switches and the ones on machines appear to be mostly decorative.

Having exhausted my entire repertoire of furnace repair techniques, I broke down and decided I had to call the furnace repairman…
 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES: 

• The title of this episode is a nod to Eugene O’Neill’s play The Iceman Cometh. There’s a good write-up about the play in the Wikipedia at:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Iceman_Cometh.
• Want to avoid my fate and try a bit of DIY? Check out the article at:
  http://tinyurl.com/yuotkf.
• When I’m not podcasting, I’m busy planning a BIG surprise for the 100th Episode. Keep listening for details and…to get advance notice, join the Short Cummings Audio Facebook Group.

Tags: humor essay | funny story | home repairs | furnace | technician | comedy

My children and I live in different time zones. They live in Teenage Standard Time and I live in the real world.

In the real world, deadlines have mass and momentum and cannot be ignored. Whenever I get a new deadline it starts making a sound like the music from the documentary film Jaws in which unsuspecting swimmers were viciously attacked by a great white cello player.

Take the annual United States Tax Day deadline. Every year on April fifteenth, I’m required to file a an extensive set of documents and a distressingly large check with the Internal Revenue Service. (Historical aside: The Titanic sank on April 15, 1912 and I think it’s fitting that America commemorates this tragic event by soaking the rich…) 

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

NOTES:

• For the record, let me state that the views expressed in this article in no way reflect on my actual flesh-and-blood children. They both do a splendid job of keeping up with their deadlines…but that wouldn’t have been a very funny essay.
• If you’d like to understand Daily Saving Time better (and who wouldn’t!), check out the Wikipedia article at:
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daylight_Savings_Time
• If you have a teen who needs to get organized, check out Organizing from the Inside Out for Teens at:
  http://www.organizedteens.com.

Tags: humor essay | funny story | teens | teenagers | parenting | comedy