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When I said, “I do” I had no idea what I was doing.

All I knew for certain was that a very attractive young woman had agreed to “forsake all others” in favor of me.

To my mind this was a miracle on a par with the parting of Red Sea or the discovery of a laundry detergent that really did get clothes whiter.  When the priest asked me if I did, I couldn’t say “I do” fast enough.

As it turns out, that two-word phrase covered an awful lot of territory.  I’m not saying I’d have said “I don’t”, but maybe I’d have been just a touch slower to answer. (Full Text)

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The highway department has taken to using large electronic signs to warn drivers about hazardous or difficult road conditions.  For example, you might see a sign flashing the message: “Road Construction Ahead – Delays Possible”.  This means, of course, that you will be delayed.  And, if you haven’t packed any food, you might want to draw straws to see which of the people in the car is going to be a tasty lunch for the survivors.

A sign reading “Detour Ahead” means check your fuel level because you’re about to go seventy-eight miles out of your way on roads which last saw use during the Taft administration.

“Heavy Traffic Expected — Consider Alternate Route” means that everyone in North America has chosen the same road as you.  Be nice to the cars around you.  You’ll be traveling beside them for the next few decades. (Full Text)

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I was recently treated to a few minutes of humiliation by my credit card company.  “No charge,” they said.  “It’s just a courtesy service we provide.”

Courtesy? That was like an angry cowboy mob telling a rustler “No charge for the noose.  It’s just a courtesy service we provide.”

They rejected my card.

I’d have preferred something less embarrassing like a kick in the groin.  Or pictures from my high school prom.  Or a public review of my medical records.

I know what you’re thinking.  If you just paid your bill on time, you wouldn’t have this problem.

They didn’t reject my card for non-payment.  They rejected it because I was traveling.  My great sin was going on a trip without telling them first. (Full Story)

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Last week my son received a recruiting letter from Harvard.  This took me by surprise.  I had no idea that Ivy League schools were enrolling alien lifeforms now.

He seemed normal enough when we brought him home from the hospital seventeen years ago; cuddly and pink and only occasionally smelly.  Sometime between then and now he’s been possessed by aliens.  Or maybe they took away my real child and replaced him with one of their own.

Kind of makes you wonder what kids must be like on their planet.  I mean, who’d travel thousands of light years just to get rid of a teenager?  (Answer: Anyone who has ever had a teenager.)

(Full Story)

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