Posted in January 27, 2007 ¬ 9:15 amh.Kevin
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I follow a simple rule for safe living; never enter a home where I have performed any maintenance work on the plumbing or electrical systems.
When it comes to home repairs I am the very model of unskilled labor.
This isn’t an inherited trait. Given any domestic mechanical problem, my father can work miracles. With a ball of foil, a Dixie cup, a skein of yarn and twenty-five grams of uranium 232, he could whip up a nuclear reactor capable of powering Cleveland for a month. The McGuyver gene must skip a generation because given the same materials the best I’d manage would be a piece of non-representational sculpture that glowed slightly and caused cancer with prolonged exposure.
Yet still I try.
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Want to get the rest of this? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.
Tags: humor essay | home repairs | storytelling | griddlecakes
Posted in January 20, 2007 ¬ 9:15 amh.Kevin
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The illuminated sign on the front of the soda dispenser screamed out ENJOY! in letters large and bright enough to be read by nearsighted people in locked closets a half mile away. I wondered why the soda company felt compelled to tell me how to interact with their product. Were they afraid I wasn’t smart enough to figure out that soda was a treat? Did they think I might consume it without getting the full 64 ounces of enjoyment my purchase entitled me to? Maybe they knew it was only fizzy sugar water and hoped to convince me it was something better.
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Want to get the rest of this? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.
Tags: humor essay | instructions | road work | computers
Posted in January 13, 2007 ¬ 9:15 amh.Kevin
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Today at the store, I saw a small set of speakers and thought, “My iPod would probably really like those.” So I bought them and found out I was right. My iPod really did like them.
Readers who are in the mental health field are probably thumbing through their diagnostic manuals trying to put a name to my disorder. Don’t bother. I’m not sick. I’m just a perfectly normal human being who is owned by a perfectly normal iPod.
When you buy an iPod, you aren’t merely buying a few bucks worth of electronic gear packed into a stylish case with mystifyingly minimalist controls. You’re joining a whole new culture. A unique culture of individuals, made up millions of people just like you. A culture that entices you to spend even more money to buy even more things because your iPod wants it that way.
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Want to get the rest of this? Check out the whole audio essay and related links at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.
In this episode I make a joke about Meatloaf performing opera. There’s actually more than a little truth to this. Jim Steinman who wrote much of Meatloaf’s music has a very operatic style and has actually composed some rock operas.
If you want a different take on “rock opera” check out the astounding East Village Opera Company.
Tags: humor essay | iPod | iTunes | Harley davidson
Posted in January 6, 2007 ¬ 9:15 amh.Kevin
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From what I can see there are two ways to become insanely wealthy as a writer; pen a best-selling novel or publish a business advice book.
These days most best-selling novels deal with globe-and-time-spanning conspiracies, or dueling magicians, or failing marriages, or dueling marriages and failing conspiracies, or failing magicians and dueling conspiracies. I don’t think I have it in me to write one of these.
I have, however, figured out the formula for business books.
There are lots of business books with titles like Who Moulded My Cheese, Seven Habits of Highly Eclectic People, The Eighth Habitat (A book about the rainforest), and a whole sub-genre based on the leadership tricks of great historical and fictional figures.
You can learn the keys to power from geniuses and humanitarians like Donald Trump, Attila the Hun, the Sopranos, the Simpsons, the Marquis de Sade, Torquemada, and Voldemort.
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Want to get the rest of this? Check out the whole audio essay at www.ShortCummingsAudio.com.
This episode runs about 50 seconds long. I apologize and promise to be closer to the six minute mark next week.
Tags: humor essay | business | leadership | management
