At least it was cheap.

According to the label, my ninety-nine dollar investment bought me the Hearthwood Heirloom Chest of Drawers. The full-color photograph showed an elegant piece of furniture with a dark wood-grained finish. You could almost smell the warm, rich scent of old oak.

The inside of the box was a different story. The wood evidently came from the finest pressed-board forests of Europe. The pebbly-brown material had a few chunks of actual wood embedded in it, as if to assert that some portion of the dresser was in some small way related to the illustration on the box. In truth it resembled a thicker form of the paper kindergarteners write on. All it lacked were the dashed blue lines. (Full Text)

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Attacks of IDS are triggered by things in the environment which frustrate or annoy dads. For example, someone — let’s pick a hypothetical person at random, say an adolescent male — might put a milk jug back in the refrigerator with a scant sixteenth-of-an-inch of liquid remaining. Technically speaking, this isn’t really a quantity of milk as much as it is a film of milk! If it spilled there’d be no need to cry over it because the whole mess could be easily cleaned up with a medium-sized cotton ball. Now why would anyone do something like that? Why not drink the rest of the milk? Why entomb it like a Holy Relic? WHY! TELL ME WHY! (Full Text)

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Thanks to Pascal for linking through to this site!  (http://velorizontal.bbfr.net/le-bar-f6/fun-in-english-t11727.htm)

I seem to be having trouble with my short-term memory. From one moment to the next I can’t recall what I was saying, what I’m doing, why I’m here and – in extreme instances – who I am. Also, I seem to having trouble with my short-term memory.

Time was I could stuff random facts into my brain and fetch them back as easily as picking stones off the ground. Now when I want to retrieve some tidbit of information – my social security number, one of my many telephone numbers, my children’s names – I have to work with a pick and a shovel to dig it out of my skull. I’ve gone from a steel-trap mind to the Amazing Teflon Brain. Nothing sticks anymore.

If you want evidence, look no farther than the cupboards, pantry and storage shed at my house. I have thousands of dollars worth of things that I’m almost out of. (Full Text)

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When I said, “I do” I had no idea what I was doing.

All I knew for certain was that a very attractive young woman had agreed to “forsake all others” in favor of me.

To my mind this was a miracle on a par with the parting of Red Sea or the discovery of a laundry detergent that really did get clothes whiter.  When the priest asked me if I did, I couldn’t say “I do” fast enough.

As it turns out, that two-word phrase covered an awful lot of territory.  I’m not saying I’d have said “I don’t”, but maybe I’d have been just a touch slower to answer. (Full Text)

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I’ll never forget my first love; her pale beige skin nearly glowed and I couldn’t wait to get my hands on her full-sized keyboard.  More than anything, I wanted her to be mine.

The relationship lasted about a year before I was bored and ready to move on.  Like most guys, I’m fickle and faithless when it comes to technology.

It starts – at least it started for me – in high school.  I used to hang out with my geek friends reading magazines.  You know the kind…”industry publications”; their pages filled with provocative full-color photos of circuit boards and interfaces.  We told everybody we bought them for the articles, but in truth we were after the hardware pictures. (Full Text)

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Ah the glorious colors of spring; the green grass, the red and yellow flowers, the blue streak as I swear at my dysfunctional lawn mower.

After hibernating in an aluminum shed all winter, my mower is reluctant to awake and resume its normal duties of mutilating my lawn and mangling my sprinkling system.  Every spring I enter into protracted negotiations with this “labor saving” device.

To begin, I check the gas and oil and press the engine primer exactly three times.  These actions don’t do any real good, but like the tea ceremonies of feudal Japan, it’s important to follow all of the parts of the ritual.  Assured that the engine has what it needs, I grasp the pull starter and the negotiations begin. (Full Text)

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The slimy critter in question was videotaped gathering up coconut halves from the ocean floor near Australia, cleaning them out, and then using them as a rudimentary form of shelter. I’m no scientist, but watching the video raised several very important questions in my mind. Why were there coconut halves on the ocean floor? Where did the octopus live before he built himself an environmentally-friendly new home? And what kind of interest rate did the octopus get for its new coconut shell house? (Full version)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Elise for her kind comments on episode #165.  You can find her on the web at: http://betanisbureau.com/
• Likewise, thanks to Tim King for pointing folks my way on Twitter.  You can find him on the web at: http://www.JTimothyKing.com
• Finally, it’s really nice to have Ron back “on the air” at http://www.griddlecakes.com

It was my fault. If I didn’t want to answer highly technical questions from random strangers, I shouldn’t have worn my red fleece vest to the home improvement center. The disaster that happened the day I wore a white shirt and black tie to the Buy More electronics emporium should have been a clue, but maybe I’m a slow learner.

In my defense, it was cold on the morning I went to the home improvement center and my vest is warm and comfortable. It’s also — and I don’t want to underestimate the role this played in the deception that followed — red.

“I’m hanging a flat screen TV. Can you tell me what kind of hardware to use?”

Was he asking me? Was a total stranger really asking me a question about home improvement? (Full Text)

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Notes:

• Thanks to Tim King for helping me correct an embarassing typo in the full text version of Childhood Games.  You can find Tim’s work on-line at http://www.jtimothyking.com/
• Thanks, too, to Sam (@TheMoneyGeek) on Twitter for pointing people to Childhood games.  Sam is a terrific financial adviser and you can learn more about his services at http://www.ydfs.com/
• Finally, thanks to listener Gus for a very encouraging letter!

“I can’t eat this,” I said.  “The pork chop is completely burned.”

“Not all of it,” my wife said.  “Just cut away the burned part and eat what’s left.”

“What’s left is the bone.”

“Then eat the green beans.”

“Burned.”

“The applesauce, then.”

“Burned.”

“The salad.”

“Burned.”

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Notes:

• My thanks to Brian Brown and Summer Brooks at http://www.farpointmedia.net for their help with the redesign.  You can also hear them both on the Slice of SciFi podcast at http://www.sliceofscifi.com
• I’m also wanted to thank the good folks at the JTIndie podcast for playing my promo.  You can find them at http://www.jtindie.com
• As I mentioned on the show, I’ve found a very funny blog from a very funny newspaper columnist in British Columbia.  You can read his stuff at http://occasionalhumourist.blogspot.com/

Body-builders stand out because they are tanned and fit in the exact same way that Mount Everest is not small. Their distressingly unnatural proportions make it tough for them to fit into regular clothes. This is why bodybuilding competitions always involve swimsuits. It also makes it easy to avoid them at parties.

Experts, on the other hand, tend to look just like ordinary people. They can pin you down under a high-intensity barrage of information so fast you won’t know what hit you.

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Notes:

This episode grew out an an e-mail correspondence with Norm Beer.  You can find out more about Norm on his website at: http://www.nkbeer.com.  I want to thank Norm for graciously allowing me to use his real name in the episode.

Also want to thank @Krud for reinforcing the central idea of this episode.  Thanks!

Finally, thanks to @DigitalRob for his kind words.  You can learn more about Rob on his blog at http://mr-williams.net/life/

Despite my common sense, I recently tried my hand at skydiving from the dizzying altitude of five feet, ten inches.

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Notes:

The feedback lately has been a lot of fun, particularly in response to this Tweet.  When that went out, I heard back from @trgrant, @hjkuzcotopia, @AdoroTeDevote, and (of course) @CaptainJareck.

@TheMoneyGeek is a great supporter of the show and I really appreciate that.  If I ever win the Utah lottery (which will be tough ’cause Utah doesn’t have a lottery) I’ll turn to Sam for investment advice.

@Mainframe responded to this Tweet.

Finally, thanks to two great podcasts for promoting the show recently.  The New Forest podcast (thanks Alex) and Chuck Tomasi over at Technorama (THE place to go for all things geek.)

During this intensive course I will challenge your assumptions and teach you new skills. If you do not wash out, you will become husband material.

You will obtain and maintain gainful employment. You will listen to your wives.

Are you listening to me larvae?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/bridegroom-boot-camp/

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Notes:

• Thanks to all of the Twitter-friends who helped out with this episode including @Comedy4Cast, @hjkuzcotopia and @TheMoneyGeek.
• It was nice to meet @burgessbooksinc on Twitter.  You might want to follow William’s tweets to learn about the great (and rare) books he’s selling
• Thanks to Bryan and Doug over on Facebook for their encouraging words.
• Finally, thanks to Mignon Fogarty (@GrammarGirl) for using my son’s question in a recent e-mail newsletter.

Once I was married, my wife explained that house cleaning was less an event and more a regular occurrence. In her view, the entire house needed a good cleaning at least once a week and parts of it required daily attention. I tried to negotiate a longer, more reasonable schedule — something resembling a Congressional session or the length of an Ingmar Bergen film — but she stood firm.

So now I spend more time cleaning each week than I do reading the morning paper. I may not be well-informed, but at least I live in a tidy house.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/27/routine-housework/

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Notes:

• Once again, I owe Shane an apology for mis-pronouncing his name.  So, by way of making it up, let me point you off to his well-written and entertaining blog at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/
• Stuart Jaffe of The Eclectic Review left a nice comment about buying multiple appliances.  You can listen to Stuart and his wife Glory at http://eclectic.libsyn.com/
• My new Twitter friend Michelle Mangen is in a really interesting business…she’s a virtual assitant.  You can find out more at http://www.thevirtualasst.com/
• Finally, check out all of the interesting reviews over at http://www.techtalkforfamilies.com

When we bought the microwave at the local Buy More, the polo-shirted sales guy offered to sell us an installation contract as well. I shrugged him off. The box said it had installation instructions. How hard could it be? The sales guy just gave me a look that said, “You’ll be back. They all come crawling back.”

He might have been on to something. The instructions were written in a language which resembled English, but somewhere along the line the manual had been shaken violently and all of the words had changed places. For example, I had to puzzle out the meaning of this complex sentence; “If the cabinets are not plumb, adjust the mounting plates to the cabinets.” To my way of thinking, some of the words had been lost in shipping and I was left feeling unfulfilled and anxious, like at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. What if I couldn’t adjust the plates? What if the cabinet was plumb? Would Han Solo be rescued?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/13/please-follow-all-instructions-carefull/

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Notes:

• Between the Star Wars and Chuck jokes at the beginning and the physics joke at the end, I sort of let my inner geek off the leash this week.  For a very funny explanation of Schroedinger’s cat, check out the Straight Dope entry at:
  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/113/the-story-of-schroedingers-cat-an-epic-poem
• If you haven’t already checked out my son’s audio drama, please take a moment and swing by Airship Diaries at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com
• Finally, don’t forget to add your comments to the Book Proposal at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/

I’m a putterer.

While some men invest their energy in creating vast business empires or building monumental bridges, I can happily spend an entire day trying to get just the right wallpaper for my computer desktop. To the casual observer, it looks like I’m hard at work, hunched over my desktop focused on the screen with the intensity of a hunting tiger. In reality, I’m carefully weighing whether I want the AC/DC logo or the kitties frolicking among the daisies as my background.

Looking genuinely busy while accomplishing nearly nothing is the key to a really effective putter. If it looks like you’re idle, somebody is going to come along and insist that you accomplish real work. This is especially true at your job.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/06/30/puttering-along/

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Notes:

• This episode marks the third anniversary of Short Cummings Audio and you know what I did to commemorate it?Nothing.Really.I’m such a guy I can’t even remember to mark the anniversary of my own podcast.  I do want to think you all, though, for your support and encouragement these past three years.  I honestly couldn’t have done it without you.
• You can find my book (My Favorite Shortcomings) on Amazon.com at:
  http://tinyurl.com/l3tdd5
• My reviews of the Hunt for Adventures books (as well as a compendium of all that I’m reading and have read recently) can be found at:
  http://www.shelfari.com/kevinleec/shelf
• Finally, don’t forget to check out (and comment on) my book proposal to you at:
  http://www.shortcummingsaudio.com/bookproposal/