When my dinner arrived at the table it looked less like food and more like evidence in an arson investigation. “I can’t eat this,” I said.  “The pork chop is completely burned.” “Not all of it,” my wife said.  “Just cut away the burned part and eat what’s left.” “What’s left is the bone.” “Then [...]

Experts are the bodybuilders of the intellectual world; except its harder to spot them in a crowded room. Body-builders stand out because they are tanned and fit in the exact same way that Mount Everest is not small. Their distressingly unnatural proportions make it tough for them to fit into regular clothes. This is why [...]

I’m a big fan of sky-diving…so long as it is undertaken for the express purpose of escaping from a paralyzed airplane which is hurtling ground-ward. On the other hand, leaving a perfectly functional aircraft mid-flight would be disrespectful to the hardworking engineers, technicians and flight crew who are dedicated to providing a safe, comfortable trip. [...]

Listen up, maggots. You’re here because you’re going to get married soon and it’s my job to see that you do it right. There are plenty of things out there that can endanger a marriage; apathy, infidelity, the inability of the male to share the remote control. I only have a few weeks to teach [...]