When I said, “I do” I had no idea what I was doing.

All I knew for certain was that a very attractive young woman had agreed to “forsake all others” in favor of me.

To my mind this was a miracle on a par with the parting of Red Sea or the discovery of a laundry detergent that really did get clothes whiter.  When the priest asked me if I did, I couldn’t say “I do” fast enough.

As it turns out, that two-word phrase covered an awful lot of territory.  I’m not saying I’d have said “I don’t”, but maybe I’d have been just a touch slower to answer. (Full Text)

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://wp.me/pjV28-B
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To complete the illusion that we were inhabitants of that happy space between the wedding ceremony and the first serious fight, we were sitting side-by-side in the restaurant booth instead of across the table.

“Aren’t you sweet,” the waitress said.

Maybe.

The truth is, I’ve come to realize that the real work of dating is just beginning for me. My wife and I have spent more than two decades as co-parents of two boys. I wouldn’t say that we never went on dates during those years. My wife might, but I wouldn’t. (Full Text)

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://wp.me/pjV28-ao

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Notes:

• My thanks to Facebook friend Bob Mitchell for suggesting the topic for today’s essay.  If you have an idea for an episode, feel free to send it along to my e-mail or post a comment here.
• Apologies to DigitalRob for overlooking him last week.
• To learn more about Tee Morris’ tragic loss, please check out the post on the How To Grow Your Geek webpage at http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/2010/01/07/help-tee-morris-and-sonic-boom-in-their-time-of-need/
• Thanks to Ximena Perez for her kind comments and greetings to new listener Anthony!
• I appreciate Tim King’s kind words about my book at http://blog.jtimothyking.com/2009/12/29/in-honor-of-indie-unknown-and-mid-list-authors
• If you want to read Shane McAfee’s (very funny) take on guys pretending to be experts, check out his blog entry on the subject at http://bdgjm.blogspot.com/2009/08/when-superego-reveals-idiot.html

Really.

In the evenings, we no longer have to make sure that everyone has finished their math or packed their lunch or remembered to tell us about the forty-page book report about War and Peace that’s due first thing in the morning even though they have yet to technically read any actual part of the book including the title. My wife and I can enjoy meals which include sophisticated adult foods like broccoli, fish, and cheese that didn’t come from the inside of an aerosol can. We don’t have to worry about our television-viewing choices corrupting our children so we are fee to watch the evening news once more. In a lot of ways, it’s like being newlyweds all over-again; except we’re newlyweds with decades of experience.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://wp.me/pjV28-9D

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Notes:

• I really enjoyed being able to be part of the craziness in episode 96 of Bells in the Batfry.  You can listen to that episode at: http://thebatfry.libsyn.com/index.php?post_id=536919
• During the close of the show, I mentioned podcast novelist J.C. Hutchins and the publication of his novel 7th Son: Descent.  You can find out all about that at: http://jchutchins.net/site/about-7th-son/7th-son-descent/

I’ve seen a disturbing number of significant family birthdays and anniversaries this year. My youngest son turned eighteen, my oldest son turned twenty-one, and I turned old. My wife, annoyingly, has remained as youthful and beautiful as ever. She claims this to be the result of clean living, a good attitude and just a tiny bit of help from her personal assistants Miss Clairol and Mary Kay. I’m thinking of checking the attic for a portrait. On the other hand, maybe I won’t. When I’m eighty and she still looks twenty-five, I’ll be the envy of the rest of the nursing home.

I am reminded, that birthdays and anniversaries are the mile markers of life.

My own birthday doesn’t bother me. Through years of careful inattention I have developed the ability to deny that I’m getting older even though I had to stop checking the “35-44″ box on surveys last year. As far as aging is concerned, I’ve moved into the state of denial and haven’t left a forwarding address. Except, when my children have birthdays, I do the math and realize I must be older than I thought.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/25/mile-marker-forty-five/

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Notes:

• Thanks again to the Heiler family for linking off to this site in the blog.  I really appreciate it.
• A big “Hello” to my new Twitter friends @Sam55510 and @Meike_Schneider
• Congratulations to Alex at the New Forest Podcast for hitting episode 50!
• And, finally, I’d like to encourage you once again to join me as a listener (and, if possible, supporter) of Decoder Ring Theater.

During this intensive course I will challenge your assumptions and teach you new skills. If you do not wash out, you will become husband material.

You will obtain and maintain gainful employment. You will listen to your wives.

Are you listening to me larvae?

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/18/bridegroom-boot-camp/

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Notes:

• Thanks to all of the Twitter-friends who helped out with this episode including @Comedy4Cast, @hjkuzcotopia and @TheMoneyGeek.
• It was nice to meet @burgessbooksinc on Twitter.  You might want to follow William’s tweets to learn about the great (and rare) books he’s selling
• Thanks to Bryan and Doug over on Facebook for their encouraging words.
• Finally, thanks to Mignon Fogarty (@GrammarGirl) for using my son’s question in a recent e-mail newsletter.

Right after our honeymoon, my wife moved into my apartment. In theory I was in favor of living under the same roof with my new bride; in practice dividing up the living space required extensive negotiations that continue to this day. Part of the problem was the apartment itself.

In terms of roominess, it compared well to a BMW sedan, but lacked the amenities or maneuverability. The bathroom offered a toilet, sink, and tub which had been designed for the munchkins of Oz. The bedroom offered space for a bed or dresser, but not both. The living/dining/entry room had the benefit of being so small it made our thirteen-inch television look like an IMAX screen. The kitchen was adequate so long as you were content to cook a one-pot, one-course meal.

Still, I’d managed to settle in and had found places for my few possessions. Then my beloved moved in … along with all of her stuff. Things I didn’t recognize started turning up in places I didn’t expect.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at

http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/07/04/space-invaders/

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Notes:

• First of all, there’s a logical inconsistency in this episode.  Did you notice?  Here at Short Cummings Audio, we strive to produce the highest quality audio humor.  Sadly, occasional mistakes do slip through.  We apologize if this caused you distress, confusion, or made you doubt your sanity.  Rest assured that the individual responsible for this reprehensible error will be found and dealt with appropriately.
• My thanks to Jeffrey Hite (http://greathites.blogspot.com) for his hilarious audio feedback.
• Speaking of feedback, I appreciated Andrew Hackard’s comment about the poignant ending of the episode Twenty (Thousand) Questions.  Andrew has a very cool job.  You can learn more about what he does at http://www.worldofmunchkin.com/
• Also, it was nice meeting Gail Carriger this week.  You can learn more about Gail and her forthcoming book at http://www.gailcarriger.com

I had to find a new, less math-intensive field of study. My fancy turned toward English Literature, but my father considered it an improper match. He pointed out that he had yet to see a want ad reading, “English major sought for serious leadership opportunity. Excellent benefits. Pay commensurate with experience. Non-smoker preferred. Must own boat.”

In short order I courted and abandoned several majors including accounting (the math thing again), journalism (they expected me to produce written documents on schedule and that so wasn’t me), exercise science (sweating for living also wasn’t me), business management (more math) and Political Science (which turned out to be a sneaky, dishonest name for “Pre-law”). After a while, I settled for Elementary Education.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/married-to-your-job/

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Notes:

• Thanks the #followfriday recommendation from:
  http://twitter.com/robertobarreiro
• Thanks, also, to Alex for his catch on the duplicated feeds.  You can find Alex and his podcast at:
  http://www.newforestpodcast.co.uk
• Lots of great content over at CleanCasts.com:
  http://www.cleancasts.com
• I greatly appreciate the promotion by the Future Traditions podcast:
  http://www.futuretraditions.com/
• Technorama is coming back!  Get all the relevant details at:
  http://www.chuckchat.com
• The joke about Cap’n Billy was a nod to humorist and author Tim Bete.  Check out his book on Pirate Parenting at:
  http://www.timbete.com/
• And, finally, check out Airship Diaries … my son’s audio-drama mini-serial at:
  http://airshipdiaries.libsyn.com

My wife starts strong with something like, “Did you remember to stop and pick-up the … ummm ….” She winds down and her face goes blank until she looks like Paris Hilton on Final Jeopardy. It’s clear that her brain has vapor-locked, so I do my best to step-in and help out.

“You mean the … “ My mouth sends an urgent request to my brain for the rest of the sentence. My ever-helpful brain can’t find the information, but does return the mental equivalent of a 404 web error. Page not found. Try using a different address or contact the webmaster.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post. If you’d rather read it, you can find the full text at http://myfavoriteshortcomings.wordpress.com/2009/03/21/effective-mari…communicationseffective-marital-communications/

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Notes:

• Thanks to Susie, host of the How to Grow Your Geek parenting podcast for the bumper.  You can find her at:
  http://www.howtogrowyourgeek.net/
• Thanks, also to Twitter follower DaddySir4 for his kind words.

Turning an argument into a fight is easy if you know what you’re doing. Sadly, many people only manage to start fights by accident. They get into arguments and stumble about inefficiently trying to see the other person’s point-of-view, offering compromise solutions, and generally dragging things out far longer than necessary. With a few simple skills and a little planning, you can go from discussing the weather to permanently parting company with someone in less time than it takes the average burger joint to get an order right.

Let’s be honest, a lot of your arguments are going to wind up as fights anyway, so why not learn to be as efficient as possible? In the interest of public service, let me tell you how to turn an argument into a fight.

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Like this excerpt? Want the whole story? Listen to the audio version by clicking the ‘Play’ button at the top of this post.

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Notes:

• I’m thrilled to be part of the Farpoint Media family of podcasts.  You can find more great shows at the Farpoint Media home page at:
  http://www.farpointmedia.net
• You can experience Konrad’s comic A Quartz Bead at:
  http://kokoart.net/quartz/index2.php?comic_ang=1