Listen up, maggots. You’re here because you’re going to get married soon and it’s my job to see that you do it right. There are plenty of things out there that can endanger a marriage; apathy, infidelity, the inability of the male to share the remote control. I only have a few weeks to teach [...]

Right after our honeymoon, my wife moved into my apartment. In theory I was in favor of living under the same roof with my new bride; in practice dividing up the living space required extensive negotiations that continue to this day. Part of the problem was the apartment itself. In terms of roominess, it compared [...]

I’m ashamed to admit it, but in college I played the field — a lot — with many different majors. At first I was young and idealistic and thought my future lay in Computer Engineering. That dream soured when I discovered that Computer Engineers had to understand complicated mathematics like trigonometry, calculus, and advanced bistromathics. [...]

After twenty-three years of marriage, my wife and I have lost the ability to finish our own sentences. Unfortunately, we’ve never gained the power of reliably finishing each other’s sentences. A typical conversation over the dinner table has more gaps than a six-year-old’s smile. My wife starts strong with something like, “Did you remember to [...]